Wait Just A Minute…. It’s Not Ruined??

Hubby ordered sausage & pepper pizza 2 nights ago.

 

Now for a normal person, this wouldn’t be worth blogging about BUT since it was hubby and it goes against virtually everything he believes in, I had to put it out there into the blogosphere to try to solicit some sympathy.  Because, for my life, I cannot figure this man out.

 

If you don’t understand why this would matter, you should read this post:  You’re Gonna Ruin It.

 

It’s in that post where I first shared hubby’s aversion to “contaminating” his cheese pizza with anything but cheese.   This has been an on-going battle since the day I met hubby.  I like toppings on my pizza and he doesn’t.   As I mentioned in that last post, we haven’t been able to find a happy medium without ordering separate pizzas, because the minute I add any toppings to half the pizza, I have “ruined his plain cheese half with flavor & smells from my toppings”.  And, my dear blog readers, apparently this is just plain unacceptable!

 

BUT… just when you think you have him figured out, he likes to change things up on you.

 

So, we’re out to dinner with friends and he decides he wants a pizza.  The waiter comes over and he orders just that… a cheese pizza.  Then the waiter starts prodding him.  “Just cheese??” he says.   To which I reply, “He won’t eat anything but plain cheese….. everything else ruins his pizza!”  But the waiter isn’t letting this one pass, he says “wouldn’t you want some peppers, or maybe some onions, or how about some sausage?”.   And hubby looks at him, as if he’s contemplating these offerings.  I, on the other hand, am steadfast in my opinion of his pizza order.  I KNOW that hubby won’t contaminate his pizza.  I’ve had to have this debate for the last 10 years.  It always ends the same way…. nothing but cheese.

 

But hubby seems to waver.

 

The waiter presses on….. “We make a fantastic sausage & pepper pizza”.   Our friends join in… “They do make a great sausage & pepper pizza”.   I chime in… “What’s going on with you?  Are you about to be pressured into pizza with toppings????  You and I have argued this very topic for years and if you change you mind, right here, right now….. I may just have to kill you.”   

 

“OK” he says…. “sausage & peppers it is!”.   And then, I fainted, fell out of my chair, and they had to rush me to the hospital.     Did MY husband just order toppings on his pizza?  It couldn’t be?  We’ve discussed this ad nauseum,  I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded.  I’ve rationalized with him about the fact that separately, he likes sausage and he likes peppers.  All to no avail.  I must always eat just plain cheese unless I want to get my own personal pizza.  And now, here we are, and he’s succumbing to peer pressure at the restaurant.  WHERE WAS THIS WAITER 10 YEARS AGO???????????????

 

After he orders, again, I have to say to him… “Are you sure?  What’s going on with you?  Did you just cave in and order something you don’t really want?  Cause, we can still change this and put the universe back on it’s axis!”.   And, he looks at me and smugly replies…. “Nope, I’m totally happy.  I want sausage & peppers”.    And that moment folks, was when I realized that I wanted smack him right upside the head.    But instead, I gave him the reply that always seems to follow any ridiculous or impossible to understand behavior…….  “You know, you really are EXHAUSTING…………”

 

Now, I have no idea if this was an isolated incident (likely).  And, I’m having trouble celebrating that he’s finally opened his eyes to a new form of pizza since it was only once (probably).   And beyond all of that, sometimes I wonder if he chooses to be difficult just to test me……. and now, after 10 years of toying with me, he’s deemed it time to shake things up a bit.    And everyone wonders why I started a blog…………………………………

 

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How Early Is Too Early (and other male traits)

There is potentially nothing I despise more in the world than car shopping.

 

I hate the entire process from the moment you walk through the door, to the fake conversation, to the irritating salesman yapping in the back of the car during the test drive, to the “why don’t you sit down for a bit”, to the pass off to the manager, to the annoying follow-up calls after I have long decided I do not want to buy your over-priced, under-performing, gas guzzling vehicle.

 

I guess you could say that I’m a bit over-the-top on my hatred of car shopping.

 

It’s actually ironic given that it’s 100% due to car shopping that I ever even met hubby.  You’d think that the benefit, misfortune…. no, I’ll stick with benefit, I received in meeting my wonderful husband, would have somehow dissipated my hatred for this experience – but it totally hasn’t.

 

If you read my follow-up story to “How It All Began” then you know that hubby, while he may not love the process, is so smitten with the fact the he’s about to own a new vehicle, he can tolerate the horrible dance that is car buying.

 

Sooooo…. when I start getting notices in the mail that our car is coming to the end of it’s lease, I start to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and I dread every day where hubby might suggest we check out new cars.  All the while hubby is humming and smiling and Googling up a storm, researching new vehicles.  (btw – the reason we usually lease is so that hubby  can subject me to this torture can experience this excitement every 3 years)

 

“Oooohhh look at this one”  he might say…..

“This one gets great ratings” he tries to lure me in…..

“So-and-so has one of these and he really likes it” he tries to engage me in conversation…..

“This one has a V6, 320 horsepower, 269 torque….” I honestly have no idea where he’s going with this one…. unless maybe he’s buying me a pony, horses?  I don’t know…….

 

Needless to say, our lease is almost due.  And, this particular new car brings with it special excitement.  You see, hubby has been forced to drive my car for the last year and a half.  This is just dreadful since he didn’t get to pick out the car, doesn’t necessarily like the car and has been “suffering” through it for sooooo long.    (Now, without boring you with far too many details, here’s why hubby is driving “my” car:   I received a new company car smack in the middle of my personal lease and hubby’s lease was up shortly afterwards so, since no one was driving my car,  we decided he would drive “my” car until the lease was up.)

 

So there we are, still 5 months out from the end of the lease and hubby is already focused on new cars.

 

We drive down the road and he says… “what do you think of that car?”

We’re watching tv and he says…..”what do you think of that car?”

We’re making out, naked, in bed and he says ….. “what do you think of that car?”  

 

Ok… maybe I took it too far with the last one… but needless to say, with 5 months to spare, it seems to consume his every thought.   I’m ready to put him into “my” car and send it over a cliff.  This way I wouldn’t have to listen to him for the next 4 months (this has already been happening for a month!) AND I wouldn’t have to subject myself to the process of buying a new car -this is the best part EVER!   It’s sort of like a win-win all around….. no??!!

 

Ok yes, I’d be sad without hubby…. but more importantly, WHAT ON EARTH WOULD I BLOG ABOUT?  

 

Ok, you’re right,  I guess I’ll have to reconsider that plan…………………………  just say a little prayer for me that I make it through the next few months!

 

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The Stink Of It All

 

 

This is a stink bug.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you don’t live in certain areas of the US, you should consider yourself lucky that you don’t need to deal with this pest.

Sting bugs are truly one of the dumbest bugs I’ve ever encountered.  They are incredibly slow moving and they are downright stupid and fly themselves into windows, furniture & walls.  They also put up virtually no fight when you attempt to squash them – none whatsoever.  Their main weapon to prevent you from smushing them, is certainly not their ability to run away, it’s the impending stench that they emit once they’ve been squashed – thus the name “Stink Bug”.   Now, trust me when I tell you that this, in no way, deters me from grabbing these litter stinkers in a tissue and crumbling them up to either toss in the trash or flush down the toilet.  So, might I say, their ingenious method of preventing their own demise is generally pretty unsuccessful.

 

UNLESS………  you are my hubby.

 

Now let me clarify… hubby is not, in fact, scared off by their smell.  They apparently appeal to another of hubby’s weaknesses:  An Exploration of Stupidity.

 

Hubby is fascinated at how dumb these ugly-ass bugs are soooooooooooo… he apparently decided to conduct his own “experiment” (unbeknownst to me)

 

I have no friggin idea how these dang bugs get into our house.  But never fail, each week we find one either slowly crawling on the fireplace, or sitting on the curtains or perhaps (when they get an unexplained burst of energy) flying into the wall.  So one day, I’m in our family room and I notice that one’s sitting on a plant leaf.  I yell to hubby (who’s in the kitchen).  “Hey babe…. can you grab a paper towel?  There’s a stink bug in here”.  And he surprisingly replies “I know”.  So in my head I’m like…… What do you mean….. you know?   If you are aware that there’s a stink bug in here, why haven’t YOU killed it already?   But, as you probably know with hubby, sometimes you just have to let the conversation unfold to figure out how his insane little mind works.   I respond  “You know?”.  And I hear him yell from the other room…. “Well, are you talking about the one on the plant?  Cause if so, I know.”  So now I’m thinking… Ok, so you do in fact know about the SAME stink bug I’m referring to.  Why on earth didn’t you just kill it,  if you’re aware of it.  I mean come on, I know you can be lazy, and I know you sometimes have selective vision but it’s a FREAKIN bug, in our HOUSE – apparently in plain sight – and you opted to leave it be???  I could perhaps rationalize the laziness factor if it was on the ceiling and would have required a ladder to kill or perhaps, if it was a bug that could furiously flitter around the house and you gave up on chasing it BUT, it’s a barely mobile stink bug that would have sat there and calmly awaited it’s fate.   So, in my more exasperated wife tone I say. “I don’t get it.  If you know it’s there, why didn’t you just kill it?”.  And his response folks……. wait for it………….  “Because I wanted to test to see how long it would sit in the same spot – you know how dumb these bugs are.”

 

Yes my dear blog readers……. he wanted to “see how long it would stay in the same spot”.  I swear, I can’t make this shit up……………….

 

So, as I now get up to grab a paper towel because I can see I’m not about to get any help, I say to him.  “You do realize that once it moved out of that spot, you would no longer know where it is…. right?”  And he smartly replies, “Yes, I know that but that’s really not a big deal since it’s been there for over 2 days already.”

 

And once again, I feel the need to repeat what hubby said… just in case you missed it….. that friggin bug had ALREADY BEEN THERE FOR OVER 2 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!   

 

I’m not sure in what place or world, it’s ok to happily live alongside a bug for the sake of an experiment but I can tell you, that  it’s MOST DEFINITELY not my family room……………. UGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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The “Magic” Of Decorating?

Before I wrap up posts about Christmas, I have one more story about another of hubby’s “behaviors”, that I’d like to share with you.

 

As you know, Hubby loves his Christmas tree.  He can shop a full day to find the perfect tree, he can pout for days about the perfect lights AND… he can spend hours getting the ornaments just right in the proper place on the decorated tree (even if he did get fired from decorating this year).

 

It’s this last part that I wanted to discuss today… the decorating of the tree.  (I meant to get this posted before the holiday so it was more timely but I just couldn’t fit it in…..)

 

Here’s a little known fact – hubby is a bit quirky, or maybe a little OCD, or perhaps just a bit anal….. ok, this isn’t a little known fact at all.  I have blogged about it more times that I can count but let’s just pretend, in the honor of New Year’s Resolutions, that this is the first time I’m telling you about this.

 

Hubby likes many things to be just a certain way  and if you use the wrong bowl, gouge the cheese or add unnecessary toppings, you could potentially throw the entire universe out of whack.  Knowing this, there are many elements of holiday decorating that I just don’t touch.  One element, as I mentioned before the holiday, is his Army of Nutcrackers.  The other is a select assortment of Christmas ornaments.  “Hubby’s ornaments”. Ornaments that require:   Special Attention.  Special Placement.  Special Stories.

 

Yes… I said stories.

 

The most important ornament is hubby’s “explorer” elf.  This elf is so important that he was actually kidnapped and held for ransom many years ago.  I kid you not.  Ok, bear with me, I’m about to go off on a tangent.

 
This particular ornament is an ornament from hubby’s childhood.  Like many great parents sending their young’ uns into the world, hubby’s mom packed up a few special ornaments for her son when he ventured off into the world of marriage… this ornament was one of the lucky few to come with us to our new home.   When hubby’s brother realized the horrific act their mother had perpetrated, of gifting this precious ornament to us, he decided to take action.  So, he broke into our house, stole the elf off our first Christmas tree, wrote a ransom note and texted us images of the elf, bound & gagged…. with ridiculous demands for his return.  I only wish I had known I’d be blogging some 8 years later and I would have saved these images… because they are truly priceless.  But alas, I do not have the power to see the future and these pictures & ransom note are long gone.    I have mentioned in the past that my life is filled with laughter and ridiculous behavior when hubby & his brother get together and this is but just a glimpse of why…………

 

Anywho… we did eventually recover the elf and Christmas magic was returned to our home.

 

So, back to the my present day elf story.

 

Each year Hubby likes to create a “scene” within our Christmas tree that reflects a story he’s created for this pioneering elf.  I will do my best to convey this “story” to you.

 

You see, this elf likes to live in a “Christmas cave” within our tree.  He is gingerly situated inside the branches and is surrounded by the itty-bittiest ornaments whose placement is agonized over by hubby to create the perfect scene each year.  The elf holds a single light to illuminate his cave and he sports a nifty backpack for exploration of his surroundings as he discovers the magic of  miniature holiday items throughout his “cave”.

I’m sure I’ve done a disservice to this story… as hubby does it much better and has a certain twinkle in his eye and he describes his elf and the magical nook in our tree.

 

After his little cave is created, hubby likes to step back and admire his work and he likes to talk about the miniature little scene.  On more occasions than I can count, I’ve found hubby all by himself, standing in front of the tree with a tiny smile looking through a “window” in the branches to check on his magical elf.  I can only imagine what’s going through his mind as he thinks about this mini elf cave.   I wonder if he’s thinking about how much better the cave would be with surround sound, or perhaps a mini flat screen tv…. or maybe, just maybe,  he’s wondering how we can find mini soda cans to try to bring the “magic” of his own Man Cave into our Christmas tree.  

 

I suppose the one good thing here is that, while hubby can enjoy this mini elf “cave” just as much as his actual Man Cave…… this one doesn’t require any cleaning.  And that my dear friends is what makes this cave magical for me too.  Well that, and the fact that it’s the ONE TIME a year that hubby actually participates in any sort of home decorating!  Now, if I could only figure out a way to make choosing curtains more “magical”??!!

 

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How Could Christmas Be Christmas Without a Santa Pig?

I have mentioned in the past, that my dear hubby can easily revert back to being a little boy.    This is somewhat explainable during the holiday season, when many grown adults sprinkle magical elf dust and wish for special items to appear under the tree on Christmas morning.   But when it comes to hubby, it can happen at any time throughout the year.  It happened when he realized DiGiorno had combined two of his favorite things (pizza & cookies), it happened during the summer when he chose the easiest item available to toss & retrieve into the pool (his wedding ring!) and it happens every year as he sets up his army of nutcrackers.

 

This year (well really it started a while ago) it happened in the most cute, endearing, irritating way possible.

 

Please allow me to set the scene.

 

Flash back to over 2 years ago.

 

We are driving down the street and a tiny little local restaurant has a “santa pig” on his roof.   Hubby gets all excited… “ooooh…..ooooh…. Look!  They have a Santa Pig!”.  Like any good wife, I reply… “Uh, huh….” and then continue whatever I was doing.

 

Then for the next month, Every. Single. Time. we drive down this street hubby talks about the Santa Pig.

 

– “Here comes the Santa Pig………….”

– “Oooooh….. guess what’s on the next block??    The SANTA PIG!”

– “I would like a Santa Pig”

– “Gee… wouldn’t it be cool to have a Santa Pig”

And on.. and on…. and on……

 

And each time we pass this stupid santa pig…. I try very nicely to explain to dear hubby that the reason this restaurant has a Santa Pig on their roof is likely because they advertise pulled pork sandwiches on their building.  I say to him…. “you do understand the relevance ….. right?”  And of course he replies   “yes, I understand…… BUT, wouldn’t it be COOL to own a Santa Pig????”  And then, I sit there in silence because there’s no reason to attempt to debate this……

 

Fast forward to last holiday season.

 

It’s the first week of December… we are driving down the road.  Hubby merrily declares…”ooooohhh….. ooohhhhh…. I bet the Santa Pig is back!”.  To which I reply.  “Good lord, you nut job, why are you so fascinated by a silly light-up pig!”.  And he, so matter-of-factly states…. “Cause it’s  A-W-E-S-O-M-E …  why else?!”   And then, I sit there in silence for    j u s t  -  a   -  m o m e n t.  And then, I can’t help myself…..   “It’s a PIG.  I don’t get what’s awesome about it?”   And he says to me.  “How could you not think it’s awesome.  How often have you ever seen a pig in a santa suit?   Know what would make it even MORE awesome?”   I can’t imagine the correct response here……  “If it were MINE!!!!”

 

And then I jumped out of the car and ran screaming into traffic……. ok, no wait, that was only in my mind………………………..

 

Then, the coup de grâce:   One day, last year, we come across a holiday decoration display at a local store and lo-and-behold what do we stumble upon?   Ok, let me paint a better picture.  We don’t quite “stumble” upon it.  It went more something like this…. Hubby spotted it from afar.  He became excited & giddy and sprinted across the room, knocking down old ladies and screaming…. “SANTA PIG,  SANTA PIG!!!!!!!”.  And, like any good parent to a toddler who is acting up in a store, I pretended I didn’t know him and walked in the other direction…………

 

So here we are…. Christmas 2011. 

 

Hubby has been wearing me down for years.  And, as I begin to start my holiday shopping I remember how happy this dang santa pig makes him.  And, against ALL of my better judgment.  I scour the internet to search out a Santa Pig to put under the tree for my dear hubby.  

 

 

Yes folks, I am either the best wife on the planet, or the dumbest person around.   And, I can only imagine what the neighbors will say next year…….

 

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Happy Holidays!

From our family to yours….. please have a very safe & happy holiday!

And… I hope you get everything you’ve wished for.   I, on the other hand, am probably not getting a live in maid and a bag of puppies but I’m holding onto hope until tomorrow!