Yesterday I talked about Selective Vision:
- The unique ability of men to “not clutter their brains with unnecessary information”
- The male ability to literally choose to not see things around them, that they deem unimportant.
Well today, I’d like to address an even worse affliction… Selective Listening.
Yes, we’ve all been there. We talk to our spouse, perhaps just one word, maybe one comment, perhaps 3 or 4 sentences and then we stop. Anxiously awaiting acknowledgement, a response, an answer, a sign of life…. AND….. SILENCE
“Honey” I say politely
No response….
“Babe?” I try again
Silence
“Honey” slightly louder
Still nothing
“HONEY” even louder still
Am I talking to myself???
“ROD!”
Finally… “huh?”
“I’ve been trying to talk to you for like 2 minutes.”
“Oh, I didn’t hear you”
“Well, I tried to get your attention like 5 times”
“Yeah, well, what do you want?”
“Can you carry this downstairs, it’s kind of heavy?”
“Yeah sure”
I got his attention… HOORAY!!
The wheels are in motion (so I think)….
Then there he goes… right back to watching tv.
This is the moment of realization for me… that I really didn’t have his attention at all. Even after he stopped, looked at me, and formed responsive words…. He really wasn’t LISTENING. But, I’m a reasonable gal, so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
I go about my day
Heavy item is still sitting there
We have dinner
Heavy item is still sitting there
We snuggle up to watch tv
Heavy item is still sitting there
I mention to him, in my most loving voice…. “honey, don’t forget to carry that downstairs”
“I won’t”
We go to bed
Heavy item is still sitting there
The next day comes……
He goes to work…….
I stare at the heavy item….
I sigh…..
Hubby comes home from work, STEPS OVER heavy item in the middle of the kitchen (I’ve shuffled it over to a can’t miss location). He employs “Selective Vision” and goes to get a snack.
I watch, wide eyed.
“Honey, do you think you can carry that downstairs?”
“I just got home from work”
“I know, but I can’t do it myself”
“I told you I’d do it”
“ok”
We have dinner
Heavy item is still sitting there
We sit down to watch tv
Heavy item is still sitting there
“Honey, I know it’s late but do you think you can carry that down tonight?”
“You just don’t ever want to let me relax, do you?”
“That’s not it, I just don’t want to have to walk around it all day tomorrow”
“FINE.. ” he gets up grumbling…. “and, you don’t think you’re a nag”
Once again, I have to ask…. If men admittedly don’t remember to do stuff, but when we remind them about anything, it’s nagging……. what’s the right way to communicate with a man??
I have yet to uncover the mystery solution…
Maybe it’s not even a true issue of communication. Maybe, just maybe, it’s a topic that I haven’t even addressed in this entry. Perhaps it’s the concept of “timelines & scheduling”. It could be that, where we are misaligned, is actually the simple fact that my project completion timeline did not match up with hubby’s for this given task (but that’s a blog topic for a completely different day!!)
The one good thing is, that I’ve learned to recognize “Selective Listening”. At least this way, I can properly set my expectations. I’ll admit, I haven’t mastered controlling my response to his actions but at least I’m no longer surprised when the heavy item sits, in the middle of my kitchen, for days!
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Amen Sister! I’ve been working HARD these past seven years at overlooking what I refer to as my dear husband’s “shiny thing syndrome.”
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Selective listening is a survival tool developed by all men. We require this ability because women say so much that if we listened to it all our heads would explode.
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touche.. honey. We wouldn’t want your head to explode now would we!
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OMG! Are we married to the same man or are they really that easily categorized? Yes, I suppose they are. Bless their pointed little heads…. I’m so glad you dropped by my blog so that I could find you!
You’re definitely going to be on my blogroll…
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Liz … Thanks for stopping by and yes, unfortunately, I think there are far too many men who share comment traits! I guess that’s what keeps us on our toes!
Great to hear from you!
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I love your blog! It’s so funny, but more importantly, it sooo true! Had a good laugh. Men really do have selective hearing! That’s why we always have to nag!
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Very good post, thank you. Effective communication is so important to a relationship. We all communicate and we all think we are doing ok, but it is not until you learn more about listening and communicating until we realize that we probably could do much better. Regards, Stefan
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Yes, I remember those times….don’t have a husband, but my daughter sure reacts the same way infront of the TV when watching a movie!!! Thank goodness it is rare, since we don’t have actual “TV” just use it for movies, lol!!!! THe Zombie Box!!!
Loved your post!
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Thanks Kelly! I wish I only had the TV to blame.. it seems there are so many “diversions” that I often talk to myself!
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Sorry about that (smile).
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oh my… im so glad that i have found your blog via the “freshly pressed” blog section. C= i experience the same thing wif my lil bro. (n my mum wif my dad …) XD now i noe im not alone in this selective hearing/vision anymore. keke!
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I want to leave a snarky comment like, “oh yes – you’re such a nag!” (like duh!) but I don’t want to gang up on your husband. My husband and I joke about this selectivity all the time.
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This is a common conversation in our house as well. It is an amazing thing to watch them look at the world (heavy item) with a completely different filter than we do. I have a sort of resignation about it all after 13 years, but the hardest part for me is watching them step OVER the heavy object. 🙂
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I love this post..with men (all men); it’s very simple. Be loving and explicit. You were extremely patient and waited days….DAYS! That is a special kind of patience, and it can be frustrating when hubby appears not listen. The male brain not “selective” because it was only deals with what had been explicitly uttered. He (we) don’t really get the subtle hints too well, just tell him…what AND when with the incredible patience, and he should happily carry said heavy object downstairs. It only appears to be nagging after what is explicitly said is repeated over-and-over without additional information. It should not be considered pushy or inconsiderate, if the request is given lovingly with direct phrasing. He wants to please you because he loves you, but he needs to be told about what you want from him.
You can even ask him when he would like to do it, if it feels too pushy to be that direct consider the following:
Loving Wife: “Honey, would you carry that heavy object downstairs?”
Hubby: “Ok.”
Loving Wife: “When do you think is a good time to do it?”
Hubby: “Um…I don’t know.” (clicks the TV channel to something else)
Loving Wife: “How about within the next 24 hours?”
Hubby: “Ok”
AND Additional Follow-Up:
Loving Wife: Affixes a yellow-sticky paper to the heavy object with a deadline written in confident (black or red) Sharpe ink. (She smiles as her inner goddess dances–50 shades of Grey reference, if your a fan)
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Perhaps the first day he just found out the brother in law with whom he has worked with for over twenty years told him today that he wants to split the company. Day 2 he has been thinking for two days now how half of everything he worked for over twenty years is being lost because the new guy your brother in law hired has over time that he can do a better job than you and that the brother in law should just work two days per week while he takes care of everything else.
Tomorrow he knows employees will be calling from three states wanting to know who will be their boss.
Thank you dear. I will get it. Oh work? Nothing to saddle you with.
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Reblogged this on The Hubby Diaries and commented:
THROWBACK THURSDAY!
In honor of TBT, each Thursday I will be re-sharing some my older posts for those of you who are relatively new to The Hubby Diaries. This post was first published in 2009 and it’s still COMPLETELY true today!
Hope you enjoy!
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My mother, who will be celebrating her 59th wedding anniversary with my father later this month, came up with an ingenious method of getting my father to do things he kept putting off. She would take control of the situation – if she asked him to fix a shelf & he wasn’t getting to it, she would get the hammer & start working on the shelf. Of course, she would make a huge mess of it & my father would have to come “rescue her to show her the right way to hang a shelf.” Ta da! The chore is done!
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