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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Many years ago I posted about some of the unintended consequences of marriage.  I wrote about all the unexpected responsibilities bestowed upon the wife as she (oftentimes) becomes the administrative assistant for hubby;  his chef, his housekeeper, and his personal shopper.  Getting married, from the male side, is a pretty dang good deal.  Because even in marriages where life is “split” evenly, it seems the wife may somehow take on more of these particular tasks as she earns a whole new job description.  It’s a slow process, like with most jobs… extra duties just creep up on you.

When you accept the ring after that romantic proposal, you read the posted job overview and negotiate your best deal with the hubby-to-be.  Then as the years go by, and your world begins to demand more and more with less and less time, you take on a few more tasks.  Then as other employees go on strike –or hubby forgets where the hamper is or burns his last grilled cheese….. you take on a few more tasks.  Before you know it your responsibilities have doubled – you add kids, pets, after-school activities, a bigger house.. and you take on even more tasks.  Then, years later, you wake up one morning and realize you’ve been getting the standard 2% cost of living increase via an extra back rub here and there, or maybe a sparkly piece of jewelry on occasion, and you begin to recognize that you are now doing the job of 3 people.  You are putting in extra hours, doing things you never said you’d do like darning socks (do people do this anymore??) and sending Christmas cards to your hubby’s crazy Aunt Barbara – who you only met once at your wedding….. and, you stop.  You step back.  You wonder… how did I get here?

 

You think back…… “Hmmmm… I don’t remember the job description mentioning anything about buying new undies for hubby or making sure he changes them every day.”  You sigh “ I don’t recall signing any agreements that said I would be the gift buyer for any and all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries of everyone we know.”  But here you are.  This is your *new* job.  You celebrate the fact that you still have a job.  Many other people you know have been downsized and are no longer “working”.  You still love your job.  You work hard and there are still quite a few perks.  And then you realize, that while your job may have changed,  you’re still your own boss (well – some days………… ) and the daily grind is still rewarding.  And, ultimately, you still love what you do… even though you’re now the designated booger wiper, boo boo kisser, cleaning fairy, buyer of TP and finder of lost things  - even though, these are all things that hubby can do for himself!! J  (and just for the record these all apply LONG before you ever have any kids!!)

 

So, it’s probably no surprise when I use the above info as a “warning” for all new brides-to-be.   This is just a glimpse into your future.  You may not think so.. you may say… “nope, not me”.   And, at the beginning, you may actually fight the good fight…. and, you may actually win on some occasions.  Or, you may be one of the lucky few who marries an award winning grilled cheese maker.  Or maybe you hit the jackpot and you have a man who just loves to do laundry (do these exist??).  But I can assure you that there will be tasks that you take on without even realizing it.  Because eventually, you will realize you need to pick your battles.  And you will discover that the definition of marriage, is learning how long you’re willing to wait to have a heavy item removed from your kitchen or recognizing how many days can pass before you give up and move the empty soda can from the counter into the trash.   Because remember, nobody ever looked at a married man who is dressed in wrinkled clothes, holey black jeans, white socks and a flannel shirt and said…. “Oh boy, he looks awful”.   Instead they say….. “How could his wife let him out of the house like that??!!”… and *poof* you have instantly become his personal shopper and wardrobe consultant… just one more of your job duties!

 

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Ladies, never forget that you cannot “unknow” something.

 

If this statement alone causes you some concern, you should perhaps stop reading now.   If it prompts some curiosity, that’s only natural –  sort of like rubber-necking a car wreck on the side of the road… You really don’t want to see mangled bodies and carnage, but you can’t necessarily look away.  Some of you may be the type avert your eyes as you pass.  Others may cover your eyes with your hands and peek through your fingers… thinking that the protection of your hand, will somehow make what you do see a bit less traumatic.

 

So, whether you are the avert your eyes type… or if you want to continue reading this while peeking through your hand.. please know that you continue to read at your own risk!

 

In this blog, I often discuss the differences between men & women.  Ok, scratch that most of the time I do this.. it is, after all, what the entire blog is about.  I share how the differences play out in my own life and how absurdly irritating (dang it.. I always type the wrong thing first) wonderful? my hubby can be.  Many times, I come across articles or comments from you all that help to support the idea that I didn’t win the lottery of annoying (crap – there I go again) loving husbands.   After about 4 years of blogging about gender differences and finding humor in every-day married life, you’d think that it would be difficult to surprise me.  BUT, this week, I was indeed surprised by something I came across.

 

I will take a snippet from an article I read.

 

“In May of (last) year, the UK retailer Marks & Spencer did a poll and found that one-third of men admit to changing (underwear) only every two-to-three days, and one in 40 wore the same pair “as long as he can”.  And “In 2011, Clorox conducted a study that showed one-in-eight guys will wear underwear two or three times before washing them. And that half of men admit to using the “smell test” to determine if their drawers are still wearable (which should get us some points for bravery, right?)”  (Full articles can be read HERE or HERE:  )

 

OH MYYYYYYYYY…….dirty laundry

 

Ladies, I myself, have blogged about hubby’s ability to wear the same pair of jeans for more days than I can count on my hands before they walk themselves to the laundry room.  But, WOW, this study brings the definition of “smell test” to a whole new low.   And, it sure is a hit below the belt that I’m not wholly sure women were prepared for! (I know I wasn’t!!)

 

So men, I know that you may not want to “air your dirty laundry” for all the world to see (or smell) but, it seems obvious that at least 1 in 5 of you don’t change your skivvies every day.  So, I figured I’d do my own survey (I know there are some men who read this blog…)  So, if you’re a man, help us do our own THD survey (since most of what I read was UK based – Is it different in the US?? By my own initial study – the answer is NO!).  This survey is totally anonymous so no one but you and maybe your wife or girlfriend (after I give her a bit of upcoming coaching) will know that your undies, if given the opportunity, would run themselves to your laundry room right this very second and beg for some laundering!

 

 

And ladies,  here’s my piece of advice for you.  The next time you do laundry…. Please count the number of boxers, briefs or (heaven forbid) banana hammock thongs that you’ve washed in that load. Then count back the days since you last did laundry.  If the numbers don’t add up…. You have the “1 in 5”… and, I’m sorry for you.    But, at least you now know, and whether you’ve been reading through your hand this entire time or not… you can now not “unknow”.  And again, I’m sincerely sorry to be the one to break this to you!

woman dirty laundry

 

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Well… It’s almost that dreaded time of year again.

 

  • The time when the town is painted red and hearts are all a-flutter.
  • The time of starry eyes, giggles and smiles.
  • Of flowers in bloom (at least at the florist….)
  • The time when colorful bouquets of over-priced expressions of love appear everywhere and beautiful glittery diamonds sparkle all over tv with the reminder of how to spell the word kiss… (Which, by the way, is with a “K”…. Not a “Kay”) – for those if you not in the US, this is reference to a kind of annoying commercial!
  • The time when, if you’re lucky, the toilet seat gets put down… If even for a moment, as a grand expression of love.

 

As your tiny hiney is spared from the splash of cold wetness in the middle of the night…. You realize that you are truly loved and that the barbarian you live with, is truly trying to be romantic by keeping your tushy dry…. even if it only lasts for one special evening!

 

It’s the day of St Valentines.  The day that men all over the universe dread deep down to the fiber of their being.   The day when they are asked… No.  Not asked.  Expected – to civilize themselves and do something nice for their honey.

 

And ladies, while we may simply adore dry tushies.. We all know that one day of a closed toilet seat does not, in fact, represent smoldering affection (for me that would come in the form of clean counters and folded laundry – but hey, I’m a simple gal!)

 

So, we hold these poor souls, the men in our lives, to impossible standards on this day and we make it so high pressured that they’d rather submerge themselves in syrup and lie down on hill of fire ants than try to plan the perfect….. night….gift…. gesture……

 

We’re a tough bunch, Ladies.  You know it.  I know it.  And, more importantly, the men in our lives know it.

 

So, this Valentines Day… Why don’t you meet in the middle with a prize from a  fun-filled giveaway I’m running in conjunction with FANDANGO!

Fandango FeelTheLoveVday_FB_500x500Fandango Vday-500x500

Fandango has launched a new Movie Crush section which is your one-stop destination for planning the perfect Valentine’s movie night.   It’s a great way to find yourself the perfect movie to get into the spirit of romance for Valentine’s Day.  And, as an added bonus, you’ll get a pair of love songs from Amazon MP3 with any Fandango ticket purchase between January 28 – February 18.

 

For more information and info on the latest trailers and ticketing options, please visit Fandango’s “Movie Crush” at www.fandango.com/moviecrush

 

And.. more importantly, In conjunction with Fandango, I’m giving away a FREE pair of date night tickets!

 

All you have to do is comment below to be entered.  If you share this post on Facebook or Twitter you’ll earn an additional entry for each share (just leave an another comment letting me know after each share)!   I will be picking a winner, at random, at 5pm on Tuesday, February 11th.  This should give you plenty of time to plan how you want to gift your FREE tickets to your special someone on the 14th!

 

Good luck and remember….take it easy on your man this V-Day.  Romance generally doesn’t come easy…. and, if you happen to have a good catch, someone who’s great at grand,  romantic gestures….. Thank your lucky stars that you have a dry hiney….

 

There are many other women patting down their derrières this very minute somewhere else the world, cursing and grumbling because they sat down too quickly in the dark!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The winner of this contest is Jessie C with comment #9.  CONGRATULATIONS!!!

random #

 

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I normally like to keep my posts on the lighter side but today, as I just returned from some errands to return a few Christmas presents, I feel the need to post an open letter the general public.

 

This is one of my biggest pet peeves and I hope that maybe, just maybe, if this applies to you…. You are listening and considering some New Year’s Resolutions (hint.. hint.. this would make a nice addition to your list for 2014)

 

Dear General Public:

Pedestrians are people.  They are moms, dads, kids, grandma’s, teachers, plumbers and firemen.  They work hard.  They cook dinner.  They smile and they sometimes may even do things for you that make your life better or easier…..  Why, oh why, do you not yield to them in parking lots?    I’d have to surmise that you, yourself, are at times…. A PEDESTRIAN.  So how come, when you’re behind the wheel of a car, you feel the need to speed up just enough to beat them to a walkway?  I swear, no matter how many times I go to a shopping center, or a grocery store or I park in the lot of a coffee shop or even a BABY STORE…. you truly feel that you have somehow been challenged to a foot race.  Albeit, only one participant is actually on foot… and is destined to lose a toe-to-toe competition against an automobile.   If I could count the times that I’ve parked my car and walked to the crossing area to get into a store, only to stand there and wait for car after car to speed by me.  It’s as if the 3 seconds it would take to let me cross would somehow throw your entire universe out of balance or perhaps make you 3 seconds late to get that decaf, soy latte.    It truly boggles my mind.

 

I need not even remind you all that yielding to pedestrians is actually a LAW in most areas…..

 

Just a few notes that may help in your self-assessment to see if you are a sucky person.

  1. When you see a pedestrian approaching a parking lot “intersection” do you immediately think… “gee, if I were to speed up from 5 mph to 8 mph, I can likely hit the intersection before that person walking so I won’t have to stop”If so….  You suck.
  2. If you see a woman exiting a store with an arm full of bags, pushing a stroller, do you immediately say to yourself “gee, she looks pretty burdened by all that stuff and she’s likely not moving all that fast so..… if I speed up, I can probably make it past her before she actually tries to cross?”  If so… You suck.
  3. When the car in front of you starts to slow down in a parking lot, and there’s no obvious reason that you can see, do you proceed to try to “go around” them, all the while muttering under your breath… “what an ass….. why is he stopping?”  Meanwhile, what you can’t see, is that the car in front of you actually doesn’t suck  and is patiently waiting for a pedestrian, just out of your view, to cross?  If so…. You’re a complete douche.

There is, on occasion, someone out there who doesn’t in fact suck (like the person in example #3).  This person inevitably helps to reaffirm my belief that there are good people in the world.  And then unfortunately, Mr. Douchebag behind him, brings me right back into reality as he lays on his horn pissed off that someone in front of him had the audacity to take 3 seconds out of their day to let a pedestrian pass.

Just for the record Mr Douchebag…. You may not see it, because it’s hidden underneath the shopping bags and behind the stroller (because I’d never do this in front of the kids) but I’m giving you the finger….  Not just for myself but for every other pedestrian out there who had to yield to you, in your protective armor.  And, you should probably hope that the person you’ve decided to “not yield to” is not, in fact, your plumber or your fireman… because if they remember you the next time your bath is leaking through your kitchen ceiling or your house is on fire, you may wish you’d been a more considerate driver.

 

So, think about a resolution for next year…. To try and not suck.     Or you could think of it as taking one tiny step (on foot) to become a better person.  It’s a small step that would go a really long way……………

Sincerely,

A wife, mother and somebody you may actually need someday.

pedestrian

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It’s been a whirlwind couple of months at the THD household.

 

We kicked off November with ear tube surgery for mini hubby.    This was necessitated by about 14 million ear infections since we started day care (ok, maybe not 14 million – he was after all, only a year old.  But, let’s just say one little munchkin shouldn’t have been on as many consecutive doses of antibiotics as our little guy was).  About 2 weeks after surgery, mini hubby was toddling along, and as new walkers tend to do… he toppled right over……… fracturing his little mini wrist.  Have you ever seen an x ray of a of a tiny little hand.  It’s like a freaky, mysterious picture with tiny floating little bones…. It’s just NUTS!

Xray Nov 2013 (2)

None of this stopped him.  He still laughed, and giggled and toddled around the house like he was a skilled tight rope walker (minus the tiny balancing line and plus a whole new dimension to balancing with his itty bitty little cast).     Hubby could learn a lot from the little guy.  He’s tough as nails and none of this phased him.  No awfulizing.  No grumbling.  No complaining.

 

Then Thanksgiving week came and mini hubby brought home the plague from day care…. And, it wiped out the entire family.   I think it was Rotavirus. And, if you’ve never experienced lovely ailment… I’ll say a little prayer that you never do.   Hubby and I spent all night with dueling bathrooms as we raced past each other to vomit and twist ourselves into a pretzel as we agonized with the worst abdominal pain ever.  A few days earlier,  mini hubby had vomited a bit, cried a bit and then toddled around the house throwing blocks and racing cars.  Man, he’s a trooper… and he recovered quite nicely as his dad and I prayed for death for a full 24 hours as we dealt with this doozy of an illness.

 

You may recall how hubby deals with sickness (if you forgot you can get a refresher HERE).  For me, it was simply wonderful.  There’s just nothing better than throwing up all night and then getting out of bed the next day to care for your toddler and your sick husband…. All the while, wondering how you could possibly vomit more when you haven’t eaten anything for hours upon hours.  This lovely day ended with a trip to the ER to treat hubby for dehydration.  Yes folks, it’s been a fun holiday season.

 

So we are definitely in need of some Christmas magic… BUT, we are getting there….. S L O W L Y……

I have revived the Hubby Diaries version of “A Very Married Christmas”… if you’ve missed it (or would just a reminder chuckle – click HERE or on the image below!)

Christas Poem 2013

 

Now if only the Christmas magic would wrap my presents AND bake my cookies AND clean my house AND finish my laundry AND.. AND… AND……

 

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!   Hope your holiday season has been less dramatic and more pleasant than ours so far……………………………….

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I knew it… I knew it… I knew it.

 

I just knew that one day there would be an article, or a study that would help hubby argue his case against me.   I mistakenly stumbled on one when hubby was suspiciously sleeping through our screaming baby at night and claimed it was because he “didn’t hear him” (if you didn’t read that one just click HERE) and I knew it was only a matter of time before he could take to Google to find some obscure report that he could wave defiantly in my face as he danced around me singing… I told you so… I told you so…

 

And so folks, today (or well, more accurately last week) was that day.

 

Please let me explain.

 

If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you may know that cookies have somehow played an oddly, ever-present, role in our relationship.

 

You could start with the fact that when we began dating I referred to hubby as my “cookie”… and some of you may even remember one of my first blog posts that seemed to stir up a quite an internet debate from a few naysayers, about what a shitty person I am.  When we debated the cookie vs cracker monikers that I bestowed upon my boyfriends.  (You can read this one HERE).

 

Then, there was the story of how cupid “shot an arrow through hubby’s stomach” as I baked him fresh chocolate chip cookies shortly after we met.

 

A while back hubby celebrated the day that DiGiorno added cookies to their pizza boxes….. as he happily declared “They’ve combined 2 of the best things in the world!”

 

You may recall a blog post where hubby, with utter abandonment, consumed every-single cookie in our cupboard as our snack battle escalated.

 

And then, there was the time where he demonstrated his true love for me by leaving one solitary cookie in the box, just so it would be there for me to eat (or for me to throw away the box – even today, months and months later, I’m still not sure which).

 

And lastly, not all that long ago… I shared a story about the 900 lb box of Oreo cookies hubby just had-to-have at Costco.  Only to realize that the Costco version of Oreo’s are not, in fact, the double stuffed Oreos… and that regular Oreo’s do not, shockingly, have……. enough Stuff.

 

So this pretty much brings me to last week.  Where somebody, somewhere, who obviously wants to torture me, or perhaps test the fiber of my marriage…… put out a study showing that Oreos are actually just as addictive as ……………ready for this (in case you live in a cave and missed it last week) ……………..COCAINE!  (to read the full article click HERE or on the picture below)

 Oreo Article

Yes folks, the fantastic research analysts, just gave hubby the support info he needs to never, ever, save me another cookie for the rest of my life.  Since he has a study to prove that he can’t possibly help himself…. He… Must. Eat. Every. Cookie. In. The Box.   And, he will forever have evidence to throw at me to illustrate how it just couldn’t possibly be his fault that I get none.

 

Thank you research scientists.  Thank you makers of Oreos.   Thank you ever-so-much for giving hubby permission to say… “Sorry honey, the drugs made me do it”

 

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