Maybe You Should Get Your Ears Checked (or maybe I should smack you upside the head….)

As we approach the 4 month mark of having a little one in our lives… I have learned quite a few things.

 

• I have learned that when you think he’s done pooping… he might actually not be done at all
• I have learned you will go many places and interact with many people, with spit up all over your clothes…. and you’ll be quite smelly but you won’t care
• I have learned that the amount of laundry you need to do can, in fact, rival the amount of linens cleaned at a 500 room hotel
• I have also learned that you can indeed function with virtually no sleep and that the # of times you can put a pacifier back in a mouth borders on 962 times in one night.

 

But, perhaps the biggest learning of them all can best be outlined by a Top 10 list.  So, here goes…………

 

The Top 10 Things a Man Will Hear (while he’s asleep) BEFORE He Hears A Baby Crying:

 

10.   A car alarm 6 blocks over, in the middle of hurricane force winds, through double paned windows.

9.    The “splitz” sound made by a can of beer opening at the neighbor’s house, during a party with a live band

8.    The low hum of a sub-woofer turned on in the basement man cave when he’s 3 floors above it

7.    A bad call made by a referee at a football game, 60 miles away

6.    The rumble of a motorcycle 6 towns over

5.    The *bleep bleep* of a text message, from the pocket of a coat that’s in the closet

4.    The crinkle of a package of Oreo’s opening

3.    The bubbling of cheese on a hot, fresh pizza

2.    The zipper of a woman’s pants coming off

 

And, the #1 thing a man can hear, while sleeping….  The sales clerk changing the shelf price of a 72” tv at the local Best Buy to be “on sale”

 

What does this all mean??  It simply means that unless I kick hubby in the middle of the night while I’m holding the screaming baby up against the side of his head… he will not hear him (or so he says…..)

 

And, just to prove a point, I googled this phenomenon.  And, found THIS article.  And holy crap, it actually justified all of the above (DANG IT!) And, since you know how things go in my house, it’s probably no surprise that hubby likes to refer me back to this article anytime I start to complain……………

 

Become a fan of The Hubby Diaries on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thehubbydiaries

or

Follow on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries

Giveaway is TODAY! “To Bliss And Back”

I’m sort of (read that as VERY) surprised that no one has expressed interest in winning a eBook copy of To Bliss And Back.    This is a great opportunity for you to give YOURSELF a gift this holiday season.  It’s also a GREAT reason to sneak away from your hubby and kids and get a few laughs….

 

Why not leave a comment and see if you can get a copy!

 

Head on over to THIS POST (or click the book below – it will take to to the giveaway post) and leave a comment to be entered to win!

 

 

 

 

 

Have A Wonderful Holiday!

It’s been a whirlwind year here at the THD household….. and it’s been a crazy year outside of our home, with disasters and devastating events around the world.  At this time during the holiday season, tell your family how much you love them, hold your little ones tight and smother them with kisses and be thankful for everything you have.

From our family to yours… Have a VERY Happy Holiday!

 

If Today Truly Was The Last Day Of The World

What would you do?

 

I asked myself this very question when I got up today and I believe it or not I couldn’t come up with a list of things that I WOULD do…. I could only think of things I WOULDN’T do.  I guess, if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, I need to give some new thought to making a bucket list!

 

So, without further ado… here are the things I WOULDN’T do today if tomorrow was the end of the world.

 

• Wipe up the crumbs that are all over the counter, in front of the toaster oven, from hubby’s dinner from last night.
• Fold any of the bed sheets that are clean (and have been clean for almost 2 weeks) that are sitting in a pile in my laundry room (did I mention they’ve been clean for over 2 weeks)  – Yep, I sure as heck wouldn’t spend today folding laundry!
• Take out the trash or the recycling bin ….. or add to the recycling bin, the empty soda cans on the coffee table (yes, folks hubby still does this!)
• Make any of the beds
• Pick up any of the dirty clothes from hubby’s side of the bed
• Pick up the crumbled candy wrappers that are next to the soda can on the coffee table (hubby must have had a few snacks after I went to bed last night!)
• I wouldn’t wipe up any whiskers in the bathroom sink
• I wouldn’t move any of the bazillion coats from Every.Single.Chair around my house.

 

And, the last thing I wouldn’t do today is nag hubby about any of the aforementioned items on this list…….Hmmmmmm, WAIT JUST A MINUTE….. I think I just realized what’s been going on all these years.  Hubby has been living his life as if every tomorrow will be the end of the world.   Humpf!  I’m sorry I didn’t realize this until now.   I guess, if he continues down this path, I could quite possibly lend some truth to this style of living since I do generally want to kill him as I look around our house………………..

 

Become a fan of The Hubby Diaries on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thehubbydiaries

or

Follow on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries

 

 

 

Are You Ready To Laugh? To Bliss And Back Giveaway!

Once in a while an opportunity pops into your email box.  No Ellen DeGeneres didn’t email me inviting me to be on her show.  Nope, Oprah didn’t tell me she wants to fulfill all my Christmas wishes and fill my house with presents.  And no, I didn’t win the Nigerian lottery of $15.68 million dollars (oh wait, Yes I DID – I just need to email General Counsel Abdul my social security #, my bra size and my left big toe –hmmmm… can you even email body parts – it’s sounding kind of fishy……..)

 

While these all may have (and would still be – minus the cutting off my toe part) great emails to receive, the email I’m referring to came from 2 gals over at Life Well Blogged.  These girls are doing something kind of cool that might actually save you some time and provide you with a chuckle or two.    Who on earth has time anymore to scour the internet looking for great blogs?? Not me (I barely have time to write a blog, much less search for funny in the blogosphere!)  And, heck you’ve obviously ALREADY found the best blog out there *almost pulls a muscle patting herself on the back*.   But if you’re anything like me, you can truly appreciate funny stories when they come your way.  And, that’s where Life Well Blogged comes in.  They have actually looked for funny all over the internet and have pulled together some of the most hilarious posts they’ve come across and compiled them into an anthology of sorts.  They have a multi-part series of eBooks that feature some of the top funny blogging women out there….. including (Drum Roll Please……………..) Yours truly!!!  Yes, someday I hope to write a book of my own, but between poopsplosions, holiday battles and putting away everything hubby puts down, this may not happen any time soon!  So, I’ll have to celebrate the next best thing which is my contribution to their just launched eBook “To Bliss And Back”.

 

This book is available on for download on Amazon (you can find it here) or click the image below.

This is the 2^nd book in their series.. the first book is No Laughing Allowed (I’m not in this one since I just met these ladies this week!).

 

And, their next book… which WILL include some of my posts will be Holly Daze:  Underachiever Extraordinaire

 

These books sure don’t break the bank @ $2.99 and, these ladies are doing a few really nice things.  50% of the proceeds are being donated to Sandy Relief Efforts (and this is near and dear to my heart since I live at the Jersey Shore).  They will also being giving away a Kindle Fire as soon as they hit 1000 downloads (this series has just launched this month!).  You just have to sign up for their newsletter for updates on new eBooks in the series.  Newsletter Sign Up can be found here: http://lifewellblogged.com/contact

 

So, all-in-all pretty good and just in time for the holidays…. BUT WAIT….. there’s more!  (I’m now feeling like a game show host, which is sort of tacky so I apologize).  They have also given me copies of To Bliss And Back to giveaway here at The Hubby Diaries!  HOOORAY!!!!

 

Here’s what you need to do.  Leave a comment below telling me why you’d like to win or just share The Hubby Diaries on any platform (Facebook, Twitter etc) and then leave a SEPARATE comment below for each entry telling me where you shared the site.  (oh and, feel free to tell people how much you love THD!)    Or, you can also do your own blog post about this giveaway and you’ll get 2 entries for your post (please leave the link in the comments)!  I will randomly select winners (notice I used the plural here since I have more than one book to give away!!) next Monday, December 24th (Just in time to give yourself something for the holiday – unless of course you’re celebrating a different holiday – then it’s just a random day present for you!!!)

 

Just to recap.. get out there and share this site and be entered to win your own eBook copy of To Bliss And Back.  And hopefully you get a few good laughs, and find some funny new blogs during the process!

 

Become a fan of The Hubby Diaries on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thehubbydiaries

or

Follow on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries

I Put That Shit On Everything!

This post is about poop.  So, if you don’t like stories about poop, if you’re easily grossed out or if you have a weak stomach, you may want to pass on this one.

 

Or, if you happen to be on a lunch break and have a sandwich in your hand, you may want to come back later.

 

Consider yourself warned.

 

Babies poop.  Yep.  They poop a lot.  It’s messy.  It’s smelly.  It’s gross.  And, sometimes it’s explosive.  Now, this is not necessarily new information.  For centuries new dads have been avoiding poop as much as possible.  They miraculously disappear the moment a slight odor permeates the air.  They have all of a sudden remembered that the tires need to be rotated on the car, or the lawn needs mowing or (GASP!) the laundry needs doing.   Yes, I do believe many men would rather take on the dreaded task of laundry rather than change a poopy diaper.  But this post isn’t actually about poop avoidance tactics, although I’m sure you could each share stories of your own.  This post is about hubby’s participation in poopy diapers.  And yes, I’ll repeat it for those of you who think you misread…. Hubby does, in fact, participate in poopy diapers.   And that, my friends, is where the funny  comes in.

 

Our little one has had some gastric issues. He’s on formula that causes constipation… and medicine that, well, let’s say, eases the constipation…….  All this being said he can go 48+ hours without having a bowel movement.  The poor little guy pushes and pushes for hours and never seems to get anything out.  Now, this medication doesn’t just help get things moving, it helps set up scenarios that no parent ever wants to witness much less clean up.   Yes, this medication, added to 48 hours of pushing, very often results in poopsplosions, the likes of which you can’t quite appreciate until you’re elbow deep in stinky, smelly poopies.  (I warned ya, this post was pushing the poop story limits…………)

 

I am still on maternity leave.  This simply means that I spend all day with our little one.  I have had diaper explosions on my lap.  I’ve cleaned poop off his legs, back and even out of his hair. I’ve tactically figured out how to remove poop covered garments from over the head with minimal poop transfer.  I’ve unsuspectingly picked up our little guy without realizing the poop had escaped his clothes and I’ve had it all over my shirt.  Suffice to say, that in 3 short months, I’ve been covered in and cleaned up more poop that I ever imagined possible.  And, just like they tell you… somehow it’s ok, when it’s your own baby.  Still completely gross…. But somehow ok..

 

So, now that I’ve set the stage let me tell my story.

 

One day, hubby is holding the baby and he hears the sound we like to celebrate.  Yes, when you have a constipated baby… you DO actually celebrate each and every bowel movement.  So, he promptly takes the baby to the changing table to get a new diaper.

 

I hear him in the other room … “Holy crap…”  he declares “I’ve never seen so much poop!”.  “Hon” he calls to me  “this is an insane amount of poop”.  So of course, I go into the room to see.  Yes, this is another absurd behavior of parents (one that I couldn’t have quite imagined).  You actually share poop stories and even show poop to each other.   Ok, maybe this is just us………………..  Anyhow, when I look at the diaper, I simply say to hubby.  “That’s nothing!”  since I am now a poop expert, I know that this particular diaper filled with poop is not ‘an insane amount of poop’.  I’ve seen an ‘insane amount of poop’ – those are the days I’m cleaning it out of the baby’s hair.  So, I tell hubby “Honestly babe, that’s nothing.”  And, as hubby continues to rant about the amount of clean-up he must do,  I watch him as he pulls his three hundredth wipe from the container.    “Uhm babe” I say to him “Are ya gonna leave any wipes for the next diaper??”  He’s instantly defensive…. “how am I supposed to clean this all up without using this many wipes?”   And then, I’m on my way into the other room because obviously we need another trash bag to hold an entire bin of dirty wipes…………..

 

As I get into the other room I yell to hubby… “Honestly, that wasn’t a lot of poop.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was going to go agai……..”   and, as I say this, I hear hubby yelling….”OH MY GOD!  He’s going AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!”  And, I silently chuckle to myself as I realize that he now fully understands the definition of “an insane amount of poop”.

 

At this point I realize that hubby might need help… or maybe it’s just my evil side wanting to spectate as hubby tackles this mess.  So, I go back into the room where he’s changing the baby.  I watch him as he holds the baby’s legs way above his head so he doesn’t lay in the poop that’s now all over the changing table.  He’s grabbing handfuls of wipes… he easily must be on wipe #478.  He’s cleaning and shifting the baby and then……. I hear sucking.  And, as I look at our cute little guy who seems to be contorted like a pretzel, as daddy is elbow deep in dirty wipes and more focused on clean-up than baby.  I realize that dad has him bent so far in half that he’s now sucking on his own big toe!   “Uhm hon, look at what you’re doing to him!  You have him bent so far, his toe is in his mouth!”

 

And, surrounded by dirty wipes, smelly poop and one heck of a mess, you know what hubby’s response is???     “He’s been wanting to do that since the day he was born.  After all this, the least I could do is to help him figure out a way to get his toe into his mouth!”

 

 

Become a fan of The Hubby Diaries on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thehubbydiaries

or

Follow on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries

 

 

 

It’s Going To Be A Colorful Christmas!

Some of you who have been reading for a while may remember that we have some traditions at our home for the Christmas holiday.

 

There have been a number of stories I’ve shared with you; from posts about light up holiday pigs, to hubby’s Santa wish lists, to the army of nutcrackers that station themselves in our dining room each Christmas.  These stories have taken us on the perfect Christmas tree shopping excursion and to the inner workings of my mind (scary I know!) via my rendition of ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas.

 

You may recall last year (like every year according to hubby) when I ruined Christmas.  This of course is hubby’s overly dramatic representation of my desire to add bows to our Christmas tree.  If you remember THIS POST, then you may also recall that I prefer white lights on our Christmas tree.  And after 10 years together, I have won this battle every single year (a small victory given how many battles I seem to lose).  Well, last year I went out after Christmas and stumbled upon an amazing sale on colored LED lights.   And, after much consideration and pondering, and agonizing, I decided to buy enough to decorate the tree with them.   I figured this would be a nice surprise for hubby IF he was a good boy all year (no small feat) and, if you are starting to know hubby, you realize it would take a LOT!  So, fast forward to now.  We have had a whirlwind year.  We found out we were pregnant (notice there’s that word “we” again… when we all know it was ME who was pregnant).  Our little one arrived very early (NOTHING… and I do mean NOTHING was ready for his arrival).   And, since he’s been a part of our lives we’ve had multiple trips back to the hospital, more tears than I can begin to recount and more worries than anyone should have when celebrating the birth of a precious young boy.   But, this post is not meant to be a downer…. It’s just to illustrate that it’s truly been a tough year despite all the joys and excitement of expanding our family.

 

Soooooo, the holidays are upon us and we take the gazillion tubs of Christmas out of the attic.  We then begin to discuss how the heck we are going to decorate amidst the baby swing, pack n play, bouncy seat, etc.. etc..  It’s a daunting task but we are up to it and we are trying desperately to cling to some normalcy to try to move past the difficulties we’ve had the last 3 months.  As we sort through the outdoor lights, hubby gets a glimmer in his eye… as he realizes there are enough colored  lights to put on our indoor tree.  He begins to plan his attack.

 

He pulls out a piece of paper.  He counts light strands.  He makes notes.  He recounts.  He write down more info.  He looks outside.  He looks at his piece of paper.  Then with all his homework done, he approaches me with a suggestion.

 

“You know,”  he says “those 2 trees outside have grown a lot since last year”  dramatic pause.   “So, if my math is right we’ll need 1000 lights on each one rather than the 700 we used last year”.

 

I’m silent…… quietly waiting to see where he’s going with this…….

 

“So, I think we’ll really need to use extra white LED lights, you know, the ones we used inside last year, in order to properly decorate outside”

 

I’m still silent.

 

“Look at my paper here.   We’ll need 1000 for this tree, 800 for this tree, probably 700 for these bushes.  Here’s how many we have (he shows me another column).  So, you can see that we don’t have enough white lights to do all the things we normally do outside… UNLESS we also use the lights we normally put on the indoor tree.”

 

And there it is…. His ploy to angle for an indoor Christmas tree with colored lights…. But he hasn’t said it yet.   He’s smart enough to try to let me get there on my own.

 

Ok, I’ll bite… so I reply “if we used the colored lights on the indoor tree, we’d have enough white lights for outside…. right?”  I can see the glimmer of  hope in his eyes…..   “Ok” I quietly reply.

 

Now I can see it slowly registering in his mind…. Did she just say yes?  Could this possibly be the year I get my wish of a colored tree?  Did I hear her correctly? I’m scared to open my mouth…. What if I say the wrong thing and she changes her mind???

 

Without hearing a response from him, I say…. “YES, you heard me correctly.  You can have your colored tree.  Just don’t expect this to be permanent, I’m just feeling mighty generous this year!”

 

Then, being the smart man he is… he feels the need to plant the seed, to build his case for future years.  He says “What if our little one prefers colored lights too??”   And, since I’m not about to squash all his future dreams I reply “Let’s wait until he can speak so he can let me know himself…. And no trying to sway him to your side!”

 

So there you have it folks… we are having a Christmas tree with colored lights this year…. Hubby won this round…… HOWEVER, we will STILL have bows on the tree.   Do ya think I’ll still be “ruining Christmas”???

 

Become a fan of The Hubby Diaries on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/thehubbydiaries

or

Follow on Twitter: http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries