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Hubby is a smart man.  A caring man.  A compassionate man (unless of course you’re driving below the speed limit and making him late for work).  He is a good dad.  An involved dad.  A dumb dad.

 

Wait……. Did I say dumb?  I guess when you type free-flowing thoughts, sometimes your fingers get ahead of your brain…. OR, sometimes your fingers type the truth –even though your brain is saying geez… that was mean.    Your fingers… as they type (and apparently talk) say “shush brain…. I type truths….. You may not always like how they come out but the truth shall set you free…. (or at least make people laugh in an entertaining blog post).

 

So, perhaps I should explain why he’s a dumb dad.   It couldn’t be the fact that he watches bloody war movies while our 21 month old plays with his train in the family room in front of the tv.  It couldn’t be that he occasionally slips a naughty word into conversations while the mini-version of himself is within ear shot.  It’s definitely not because he lets our son eat graham crackers on the couch and then NEVER cleans up the crumbs (heck – he himself does this regularly!).  No, it’s none of these reasons.  These things are silly oops moments where hubby’s not necessarily being dumb.. he’s just being forgetful or oblivious or perhaps just being….. A Man.

 

The dumbness can best be illustrated by this past week.

 

We (and by we – I mean poor little mini-hubby) were lucky enough to contract Coxsackie this week.  If this specific word means nothing to you…. You may perhaps know this toddler illness better as Hand, Foot & Mouth disease (or if you’re a bit older you may know it simply as Hoof & Mouth disease  -which, I’m sorry – is just a horrible way to refer to a virus).  In case no one remembers what this looks like.. I’ll give you a few highlights.

 

High Fevers – Also known as 48+ hours of no sleep for Mom & Dad.  As your poor little one tosses and turns and whines and cries and you can’t do anything at all to make it better but hold him, cuddle him and pray for the sun to rise.

 

Sore Throat – This is a tough one because you don’t immediately realize what’s wrong – and you debate with each other about which tooth is causing such horrible pain as your toddler refuses to even eat yogurt.  You surmise (mistakenly) that the mere chunks of fruit in the yogurt are painful to chew… until you realize that he won’t eat anything at all, no matter how soft it is.  Add to this random outbursts of crying which makes you wonder what the heck could possibly be wrong – and if it would be horribly inappropriate to just buy some ear plugs!?

 

No Appetite – Mini-hubby can usually be bribed with yogurt to do just about anything.  But now he not only won’t eat yogurt but, no applesauce and not even ice cream.  You wrack your brain to try to come up with something that’s softer than ice cream (btw.. the answer is nothing……………)

 

Sores in the mouth/throat – You finally get a Dr diagnosis because he has that special knack of getting your toddler to let him look into his mouth – you know the knack of “let me shove this tongue depressor into your mouth no matter how much you scream or writhe (“Hey, Mom – can you please hold his arms so I can get a better look?”).  It’s a knack most parents are lacking as I have yet to even master the “let me get this toothbrush far enough into your mouth so I can brush your molars”  or the “sit still and let mommy see if you have a new tooth coming in” without getting bit or into a wrestling match with a new species better known as squirmy, tight mouthed, non-cooperative toddler.

 

Blistery, Red Rash (normally on hands & feet)  – Oddly enough, though this seems to be the driving force behind the non-scientific name of this virus.  You may, or may not ever see this rash.  We did, in fact see it, 3 days after the fever and on his knees.  Maybe I should rename the virus as Knobby Knee, Throat virus (which  honestly still sounds way better than Hoof & Mouth).

 

Now that you know the virus, the symptoms and the fun-filled week we’ve had, here’s the crux of my post.  This is VERY contagious.   I’ll say it again…. VERY contagious.   Hubby knew how contagious this is because he’s a Googler.  You know the type.  He must Google Every. Single. Thing. that we experience with our little guy.  Sometimes this is great and we are WAY informed… sometimes it’s awful because, as you may remember, hubby is an awfulizer and mini-hubby’s normal low-grade illness will sometimes be overblown into a non-existent problem beyond your wildest dreams.  Ahhhhhh…. Such is the life I lead……………..

 

Anyhow.. it’s contagious.  Oh, wait I said that.  And hubby knew that.  So tell me why……………..

 

  • He wanted to finish mini-hubby’s uneaten cup of ice cream (with mini-hubby’s spoon). And when I asked him “Why???” He responded.. “well, should I just use a different spoon?”
  • He ate the half gnawed on pieces of leftover graham crackers from mini-hubby’s dish?
  • He binky shared with mini-hubby (which is not abnormal –during illness free times) as he played a cute game with our sick little one to make him smile
  • He took the toy trumpet from our little guy and put it from mini-hubby’s mouth directly into his own, as he tooted the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”

 

All the while…. I’m washing my hands 500xs a day.   Using hand sanitizer in between hand washing.  Spraying Clorox on every surface.  And, washing and re-washing binkies like there’s no tomorrow.

 

I’m happy to say… mini-hubby is on the mend.  He’s even back at school today.

 

Hubby… well, he’s in bed right now with a raging fever, shivering, moaning and whining about how awful he feels.

 

DUMB?   I don’t know, I’ll let you be the judge.

 

(and, as I type this…. I do realize that the timing is almost perfect for me to come down with this illness just in time for the weekend………………so I just may eat my words  – but it did make for a good post today!)  :-)

There are a few life events that can very easily overwhelm you emotionally, in ways you’d never imagined.

 

If you think I’m about to talk about having babies or celebrating first steps….. you are WAY wrong.  There are far more significant, emotional moments in every-day-life.

toiletseatUP

Take for instance, the first time after your blissful new marriage to the love of your life, that you stumble into the bathroom in the middle of the night only to plop your little tushy right down into a wet, open toilet.  Yep, those are emotions that you never thought you could have…. Certainly not half asleep as you dry off your ass and consider (if only for a moment) about scooping up a cup of toilet water and throwing it on your adorable, slumbering, new hubby.  But, you stop yourself realizing that if you did toss a cup of toilet water on him… it would be all over the bed where you are also sleeping and that your hubby likely has no concept of how to launder the sheets… Thus, you’d be doing nothing but compromising your own sleep environment and creating more laundry to do the next day.

 

Or, how about the moment when that very same toilet seat is down, but loose, and you go to sit only to realize you’re sitting with too much force (or you shouldn’t have eaten that extra bowl of ice cream last night) and you slide sideways across the toilet and you’re no longer properly aligned, but you’ve had a baby (and obviously not done enough kegels!), and you’ve held it as long as you possibly could but now you’re peeing sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it.  Now you’re pissed, as you’re pissing and you’re probably wondering how a toilet seat (that never gets put down enough) could be that loose……

 

Or, maybe you’ve cleaned yourself up, inspected the screws and realized that although you almost fell into the bowl, all you need is a screw driver to tighten the seat and all will be ok with the world again.   So you head downstairs to the place where you keep the screw drivers.  Only to realize that the “screw driver spot” is missing said screw driver.  Now, as you screw up your face and try to contain yourself, as you mutter bad words under your breath, you look around and wonder where on earth the screw drive might be.  You think back to the last time you used it.   You know you put it back.  Then you remember the last time you nagged hubby into using it.   You acknowledge, that he has an inability to ever put anything back…. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons he can never find anything.   You feel those emotions start to bubble up…. You think about the last project he did.  You think about how many times you had to ask him to do it.  You think about your wet tushy in the middle of the night.  The loose toilet seat.  The missing screw driver.  You’re overwhelmed with emotion.  You fantasize about finding the screw driver and stabbing your hubby with it as you push his head into the toilet.  (Oh wait… did I take that too far……………..) 

 

You take a deep breath and remember that hubby last used the screw driver upstairs.  You go upstairs and open the closet.  You know the closet…. the one filled with clothes and suits and purses and  hats… and oh yeah, a variety of lost tools.  You find the screw driver.  And, oh by the way… the drill, a hammer, a ball point pen and a level.   You shake your head.   You mumble more curse words.   You look around and realize you’re by yourself mumbling out loud.  You pick up the screw driver.. go to the bathroom… fix the toilet.

 

Then, you stand there for a moment.  You wonder what to do next.  Your emotional side says.. put the screw driver into the bed on hubby’s pillow.  Your rational side says… put the screw driver back in the ‘screw driver spot’ downstairs.  You’re frozen for a moment as your emotional inner self debates what to do next.  Then, you realize you have the answer.  You go back to the closet.  Replace the screw driver.  And then you go to the man cave… grab the tv remote, the game console controller and hubby’s favorite beer glass.  As you make your way back upstairs you walk past his sunglasses in the kitchen.. and just for good measure you grab those too.

 

You head back upstairs, in the most determined, steadfast way you know how.  You open the closet and you place each item neatly next to the hammer, screw driver and the drill.  You smile.  Applesaucy Hubby….. Apple….. Saucy.

 

(and if that last comment means nothing to you please read an incredibly funny blog post HERE by The Honest Toddler that will explain it to you!)

 

 ** Disclaimer – Some (or all) of this post may (or may not) be true in the THD household! **

 

So, when I sat down yesterday to write this post…. It somehow got derailed as I started to think more about mini hubby than I did about hubby and I wound up with a heartfelt post about being a Mom (if you missed it you can jump directly to it HERE).   If you’ve been reading this blog for longer than like, a minute, you probably know that I’m anything but heartfelt (unless my heart is feeling annoyed and frustrated at hubby) and that warm & fuzzies have no place in my blog!

 

I can only assume that the hormones that take over your body when you have a baby linger for quite some time.   I’m definitely softer and nicer than I used to be…. But since I have to use this softness, niceness and patience for my mini hubby, it leaves far less softness and pretty much ZERO patience for my hubby.   Ahhhhh… that felt better.  All is right with the world.  As you likely know, after 10 years of marriage – there’s simply no place for softness (unless, it’s coming from being buried under a pile of laundry) and there’s absolutely no place whatsoever for patience.  I used to believe hubby when he said he’d “get to something”.  I used to patiently wait for him to discover the trash can… or the sponge .. or the laundry room.  I used to gently nudge as I emptied my patience tank, while I waited for him to move heavy objects from my kitchen.  But now, I realize that patience has no place in our house.   If it doesn’t happen now… it probably won’t happen.

 

So…. That has nothing to do with my post today.  But, it sure made me feel better to get it off my chest…. HA!

 

Anyhoo…. Here’s my REAL Mother’s Day post.

 

It’s only my 2nd Mother’s Day as a mom.  So, it’s likely hubby still needs a bit of practice.  Either that, or he truly lives in la la land… I’m not sure which….. yet…………..

 

Here’s my story…  it’s short, so stay with me.

 

We get a daily email from mini-hubby’s day care at the end of each day.  It includes the normal stuff.. what he ate, how many diaper changes etc. etc.  And, there’s a space for “reminders” so they can tell you to bring more wipes or that picture day is next week, and so on.

 

Earlier this week this section of the email said “Reminder Fri May 9th is Muffins with Mom.  Join your child for a snack at 3:30pm!”

Hubby was next to me when he read this out loud and he immediately turned to me and said “Wait… What the….. How come it just says moms?  What about Dads?”

 

And, I stood there, for a moment…. Practicing my patience or maybe I was just waiting for the punchline…..

 

But, he was serious….. and clueless.   Apparently, incredibly clueless.  He just looked at me.

 

So I slowly replied…. “Uhm, do you know what this weekend is?” pause…..  waiting for it to sink in  “it’s Mother’s Day”.

 

“Ohhhh…” he said.

 

So the next day I’m with a co-worker.  A male co-worker (if I may point this out).  And he asks me “So, you have any big plans for Sunday?”.  And I reply…. “It’s unlikely, my hubby didn’t even realize why day care was hosting an afternoon with only moms!”

 

Sigh….. 

 

This is the life I have chosen.   It’s a damn good thing hubby is cute when he’s clueless.

 

Mothers-Day-cartoon-

For those of you who have ever squeezed a little alien-like, spooge covered, wailing, little munchkin out of your hoo-hah, then you may be excited for this weekend.

 

It’s likely that most of you don’t have to ask why.. but just in case, for the uninformed.. or for those of you who don’t recall the day when you, yourself, made a screaming entry into this world.  It’s Mother’s Day.

 

And, if you aren’t a mother yourself, you surely have a mother because….. much like opinions…. everyone seems to have one!

 

So, why the excitement?  Well, for most of the world (at least the part of the world that celebrate’s Mother’s) it’s a day  – one day – where everyone must stop and thank Mom for being Mom.  That’s not to say she’s any better than Dad, or that all moms deserve celebrating.  But, it forces you to take a moment to think about the women in your life who ruined their bodies (ok, maybe not those celebs – who all seem to be in post-baby perfect shape), who gave up ever having a full night’s sleep, who learned way-too-quickly that they would never again be able to cook with both hands and whose bodies & clothes became instant tissues, vomit catchers, and warmth providers.

 

Those women who, in most cases, will forever worry if you’re getting enough to eat, enough sleep, enough love and enough challenge.  They will lose sleep thinking about your future, your education and the impact of the ever-changing world around you.  They will read articles about the correct amount of tv, technology, vegetables, play time, study time and nap time.  They will judge the world with new eyes…. They will celebrate your first step, first word and first day of school and then every day afterwards, they will worry that you’re going to fall, that your words will be used against you and that your days away from them will be surrounded by others who may not always have your best interests at heart.

 

They will cry when you cry (unless of course that crying was brought on by a demand to not touch the hot stove).  They will forever laugh when you laugh and they will smile both inside and out when you smile.  Your joys will be their joys and your sorrows will consume their hearts as they try to balance swooping in to fix everything and allowing you to learn to manage through life on your own.  They will say “No” ….. A LOT…..  but probably not nearly as much as you did as a toddler just learning to use your voice to express your independence.

 

They will shuttle you around and protect you until you show that you can be trusted to do things on your own.  And even after you’ve gained that trust.. they will worry.  That’s what they do.  They will worry you will crash the car, make bad decisions, bend to peer pressure.  They will worry that all the knowledge they’ve bestowed upon you will not be enough, that they could have done more, said more, loved more.

 

They will work to make your life easy, but not too easy.    They will fill both your belly and your mind, as you fill their hearts.  They will encourage you.  Love you.  And eternally support you.   And…… they will make mistakes.  But they will pray that every mistake they make will somehow make you a better person.. and them a better Mother.  Life is a journey they take with you… there will be bumps in the road, tears, harsh words and anger… but hopefully these will be far outweighed by giggles, cuddles, laughter & happiness.

 

For this is the life we have chosen… as a Mother.  And, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

So for these reasons….. we celebrate Mother’s Day.  Not because Mom needs a day dedicated to her.. but because a day dedicated to acknowledge the journey you have taken together is worthy of celebration!

motherhood2

Many years ago I posted about some of the unintended consequences of marriage.  I wrote about all the unexpected responsibilities bestowed upon the wife as she (oftentimes) becomes the administrative assistant for hubby;  his chef, his housekeeper, and his personal shopper.  Getting married, from the male side, is a pretty dang good deal.  Because even in marriages where life is “split” evenly, it seems the wife may somehow take on more of these particular tasks as she earns a whole new job description.  It’s a slow process, like with most jobs… extra duties just creep up on you.

When you accept the ring after that romantic proposal, you read the posted job overview and negotiate your best deal with the hubby-to-be.  Then as the years go by, and your world begins to demand more and more with less and less time, you take on a few more tasks.  Then as other employees go on strike –or hubby forgets where the hamper is or burns his last grilled cheese….. you take on a few more tasks.  Before you know it your responsibilities have doubled – you add kids, pets, after-school activities, a bigger house.. and you take on even more tasks.  Then, years later, you wake up one morning and realize you’ve been getting the standard 2% cost of living increase via an extra back rub here and there, or maybe a sparkly piece of jewelry on occasion, and you begin to recognize that you are now doing the job of 3 people.  You are putting in extra hours, doing things you never said you’d do like darning socks (do people do this anymore??) and sending Christmas cards to your hubby’s crazy Aunt Barbara – who you only met once at your wedding….. and, you stop.  You step back.  You wonder… how did I get here?

 

You think back…… “Hmmmm… I don’t remember the job description mentioning anything about buying new undies for hubby or making sure he changes them every day.”  You sigh “ I don’t recall signing any agreements that said I would be the gift buyer for any and all holidays/birthdays/anniversaries of everyone we know.”  But here you are.  This is your *new* job.  You celebrate the fact that you still have a job.  Many other people you know have been downsized and are no longer “working”.  You still love your job.  You work hard and there are still quite a few perks.  And then you realize, that while your job may have changed,  you’re still your own boss (well – some days………… ) and the daily grind is still rewarding.  And, ultimately, you still love what you do… even though you’re now the designated booger wiper, boo boo kisser, cleaning fairy, buyer of TP and finder of lost things  - even though, these are all things that hubby can do for himself!! J  (and just for the record these all apply LONG before you ever have any kids!!)

 

So, it’s probably no surprise when I use the above info as a “warning” for all new brides-to-be.   This is just a glimpse into your future.  You may not think so.. you may say… “nope, not me”.   And, at the beginning, you may actually fight the good fight…. and, you may actually win on some occasions.  Or, you may be one of the lucky few who marries an award winning grilled cheese maker.  Or maybe you hit the jackpot and you have a man who just loves to do laundry (do these exist??).  But I can assure you that there will be tasks that you take on without even realizing it.  Because eventually, you will realize you need to pick your battles.  And you will discover that the definition of marriage, is learning how long you’re willing to wait to have a heavy item removed from your kitchen or recognizing how many days can pass before you give up and move the empty soda can from the counter into the trash.   Because remember, nobody ever looked at a married man who is dressed in wrinkled clothes, holey black jeans, white socks and a flannel shirt and said…. “Oh boy, he looks awful”.   Instead they say….. “How could his wife let him out of the house like that??!!”… and *poof* you have instantly become his personal shopper and wardrobe consultant… just one more of your job duties!

 

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Airing Your Dirty Laundry

Ladies, never forget that you cannot “unknow” something.

 

If this statement alone causes you some concern, you should perhaps stop reading now.   If it prompts some curiosity, that’s only natural –  sort of like rubber-necking a car wreck on the side of the road… You really don’t want to see mangled bodies and carnage, but you can’t necessarily look away.  Some of you may be the type avert your eyes as you pass.  Others may cover your eyes with your hands and peek through your fingers… thinking that the protection of your hand, will somehow make what you do see a bit less traumatic.

 

So, whether you are the avert your eyes type… or if you want to continue reading this while peeking through your hand.. please know that you continue to read at your own risk!

 

In this blog, I often discuss the differences between men & women.  Ok, scratch that most of the time I do this.. it is, after all, what the entire blog is about.  I share how the differences play out in my own life and how absurdly irritating (dang it.. I always type the wrong thing first) wonderful? my hubby can be.  Many times, I come across articles or comments from you all that help to support the idea that I didn’t win the lottery of annoying (crap – there I go again) loving husbands.   After about 4 years of blogging about gender differences and finding humor in every-day married life, you’d think that it would be difficult to surprise me.  BUT, this week, I was indeed surprised by something I came across.

 

I will take a snippet from an article I read.

 

“In May of (last) year, the UK retailer Marks & Spencer did a poll and found that one-third of men admit to changing (underwear) only every two-to-three days, and one in 40 wore the same pair “as long as he can”.  And “In 2011, Clorox conducted a study that showed one-in-eight guys will wear underwear two or three times before washing them. And that half of men admit to using the “smell test” to determine if their drawers are still wearable (which should get us some points for bravery, right?)”  (Full articles can be read HERE or HERE:  )

 

OH MYYYYYYYYY…….dirty laundry

 

Ladies, I myself, have blogged about hubby’s ability to wear the same pair of jeans for more days than I can count on my hands before they walk themselves to the laundry room.  But, WOW, this study brings the definition of “smell test” to a whole new low.   And, it sure is a hit below the belt that I’m not wholly sure women were prepared for! (I know I wasn’t!!)

 

So men, I know that you may not want to “air your dirty laundry” for all the world to see (or smell) but, it seems obvious that at least 1 in 5 of you don’t change your skivvies every day.  So, I figured I’d do my own survey (I know there are some men who read this blog…)  So, if you’re a man, help us do our own THD survey (since most of what I read was UK based – Is it different in the US?? By my own initial study – the answer is NO!).  This survey is totally anonymous so no one but you and maybe your wife or girlfriend (after I give her a bit of upcoming coaching) will know that your undies, if given the opportunity, would run themselves to your laundry room right this very second and beg for some laundering!

 

 

And ladies,  here’s my piece of advice for you.  The next time you do laundry…. Please count the number of boxers, briefs or (heaven forbid) banana hammock thongs that you’ve washed in that load. Then count back the days since you last did laundry.  If the numbers don’t add up…. You have the “1 in 5”… and, I’m sorry for you.    But, at least you now know, and whether you’ve been reading through your hand this entire time or not… you can now not “unknow”.  And again, I’m sincerely sorry to be the one to break this to you!

woman dirty laundry

 

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Well… It’s almost that dreaded time of year again.

 

  • The time when the town is painted red and hearts are all a-flutter.
  • The time of starry eyes, giggles and smiles.
  • Of flowers in bloom (at least at the florist….)
  • The time when colorful bouquets of over-priced expressions of love appear everywhere and beautiful glittery diamonds sparkle all over tv with the reminder of how to spell the word kiss… (Which, by the way, is with a “K”…. Not a “Kay”) – for those if you not in the US, this is reference to a kind of annoying commercial!
  • The time when, if you’re lucky, the toilet seat gets put down… If even for a moment, as a grand expression of love.

 

As your tiny hiney is spared from the splash of cold wetness in the middle of the night…. You realize that you are truly loved and that the barbarian you live with, is truly trying to be romantic by keeping your tushy dry…. even if it only lasts for one special evening!

 

It’s the day of St Valentines.  The day that men all over the universe dread deep down to the fiber of their being.   The day when they are asked… No.  Not asked.  Expected – to civilize themselves and do something nice for their honey.

 

And ladies, while we may simply adore dry tushies.. We all know that one day of a closed toilet seat does not, in fact, represent smoldering affection (for me that would come in the form of clean counters and folded laundry – but hey, I’m a simple gal!)

 

So, we hold these poor souls, the men in our lives, to impossible standards on this day and we make it so high pressured that they’d rather submerge themselves in syrup and lie down on hill of fire ants than try to plan the perfect….. night….gift…. gesture……

 

We’re a tough bunch, Ladies.  You know it.  I know it.  And, more importantly, the men in our lives know it.

 

So, this Valentines Day… Why don’t you meet in the middle with a prize from a  fun-filled giveaway I’m running in conjunction with FANDANGO!

Fandango FeelTheLoveVday_FB_500x500Fandango Vday-500x500

Fandango has launched a new Movie Crush section which is your one-stop destination for planning the perfect Valentine’s movie night.   It’s a great way to find yourself the perfect movie to get into the spirit of romance for Valentine’s Day.  And, as an added bonus, you’ll get a pair of love songs from Amazon MP3 with any Fandango ticket purchase between January 28 – February 18.

 

For more information and info on the latest trailers and ticketing options, please visit Fandango’s “Movie Crush” at www.fandango.com/moviecrush

 

And.. more importantly, In conjunction with Fandango, I’m giving away a FREE pair of date night tickets!

 

All you have to do is comment below to be entered.  If you share this post on Facebook or Twitter you’ll earn an additional entry for each share (just leave an another comment letting me know after each share)!   I will be picking a winner, at random, at 5pm on Tuesday, February 11th.  This should give you plenty of time to plan how you want to gift your FREE tickets to your special someone on the 14th!

 

Good luck and remember….take it easy on your man this V-Day.  Romance generally doesn’t come easy…. and, if you happen to have a good catch, someone who’s great at grand,  romantic gestures….. Thank your lucky stars that you have a dry hiney….

 

There are many other women patting down their derrières this very minute somewhere else the world, cursing and grumbling because they sat down too quickly in the dark!

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The winner of this contest is Jessie C with comment #9.  CONGRATULATIONS!!!

random #

 

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