I’ve touched on this phenomenon in other posts but I thought today that I’d dedicate a post to it.
Question: If your hubby admits that he doesn’t notice little details, that he inadvertently overlooks the crap scattered on the counter, that he doesn’t really see the debris on the carpet, and that he’s oblivious to the chores that make a house a home, are you allowed to point these things out to him or bring them to his attention?
Now, I’m sure some of you will say … well, it’s all in how you present it. And, I would agree with this wholeheartedly.
Here are just a few tactics I’ve tried: I’ve presented it in casual conversation, I’ve sweetly reminded him, I’ve gently nudged him, I’ve made deals, I’ve made lists, I’ve offered sexual favors (ok, I’m lying, I actually haven’t done this cause I don’t actually believe I should have to trade sex to get him to wipe crumbs off the counters).
It’s interesting though that some households really do work this way (and hey, I’m not judging, if this works for you and you’re happy with trading sex to get a load of laundry done by your hubby then, fan-friggin-tastic!)
As someone mentioned yesterday, perhaps I should vacuum naked to get hubby to help with vacuuming. While I’m quite certain this would indeed get his attention, I’m not quite sure he’d make the leap from seeing me vacuuming naked to “gee, I think maybe I should get the scissors and clean off the beater bar”. [this example makes me want to make some sort of sexual joke pertaining to “beater bars”… .but I’ll refrain]
Anyhow, there appears to be a fine line between reminding him of something and nagging. I have yet to figure out where this line actually sits… to me it seems like he’s constantly moving it. Some days it’s a narrow, dark red line that says “Do Not Cross”, some days it’s a wide grey line. I have tried to figure it out on my own, by trial and error, but that just hasn’t worked. I have also tried to ask hubby the following question:
If you admit that you don’t notice stuff around the house and, without my pointing it out to you, you may never actually see it, how do I bring it to your attention without being a “nag”?
The problem is.. he can’t actually answer this question because too often he’s practicing Selective Listening and/or Selective Vision and he’s afraid to admit it. The line is constantly moving because he picks and chooses when he sees things and when he’s actually listening to me. BUT, and here’s the big but, he never actually tells me when he’s really paying attention so it’s impossible for me to know!
So I ask you, my dear blog readers… if he admits he needs reminders, and that he doesn’t take in details around him that he considers extraneous, when I try to help guide him.. how can it possibly be nagging? And, if I get louder and louder after the 5th or 6th reminder, I’m just trying to make sure he is indeed listening to me… because we all know, that when he goes to his nothing box he simply can’t hear anything around him.
Or, I suppose, we could just wind up like this….. 🙂