I’ve touched on this phenomenon in other posts but I thought today that I’d dedicate a post to it.
Question: If your hubby admits that he doesn’t notice little details, that he inadvertently overlooks the crap scattered on the counter, that he doesn’t really see the debris on the carpet, and that he’s oblivious to the chores that make a house a home, are you allowed to point these things out to him or bring them to his attention?
Now, I’m sure some of you will say … well, it’s all in how you present it. And, I would agree with this wholeheartedly.
Here are just a few tactics I’ve tried: I’ve presented it in casual conversation, I’ve sweetly reminded him, I’ve gently nudged him, I’ve made deals, I’ve made lists, I’ve offered sexual favors (ok, I’m lying, I actually haven’t done this cause I don’t actually believe I should have to trade sex to get him to wipe crumbs off the counters).
It’s interesting though that some households really do work this way (and hey, I’m not judging, if this works for you and you’re happy with trading sex to get a load of laundry done by your hubby then, fan-friggin-tastic!)
As someone mentioned yesterday, perhaps I should vacuum naked to get hubby to help with vacuuming. While I’m quite certain this would indeed get his attention, I’m not quite sure he’d make the leap from seeing me vacuuming naked to “gee, I think maybe I should get the scissors and clean off the beater bar”. [this example makes me want to make some sort of sexual joke pertaining to “beater bars”… .but I’ll refrain]
Anyhow, there appears to be a fine line between reminding him of something and nagging. I have yet to figure out where this line actually sits… to me it seems like he’s constantly moving it. Some days it’s a narrow, dark red line that says “Do Not Cross”, some days it’s a wide grey line. I have tried to figure it out on my own, by trial and error, but that just hasn’t worked. I have also tried to ask hubby the following question:
If you admit that you don’t notice stuff around the house and, without my pointing it out to you, you may never actually see it, how do I bring it to your attention without being a “nag”?
The problem is.. he can’t actually answer this question because too often he’s practicing Selective Listening and/or Selective Vision and he’s afraid to admit it. The line is constantly moving because he picks and chooses when he sees things and when he’s actually listening to me. BUT, and here’s the big but, he never actually tells me when he’s really paying attention so it’s impossible for me to know!
So I ask you, my dear blog readers… if he admits he needs reminders, and that he doesn’t take in details around him that he considers extraneous, when I try to help guide him.. how can it possibly be nagging? And, if I get louder and louder after the 5th or 6th reminder, I’m just trying to make sure he is indeed listening to me… because we all know, that when he goes to his nothing box he simply can’t hear anything around him.
Or, I suppose, we could just wind up like this….. 🙂
The issue of selective listening and/or vision is not without importance. Very possibly, it all has to with gender-based left brain-right brain bias (a theory I have relied on with some success when confronted by my wife holding, say, a power drill or bottle of Windex). Even so, logic and brain chemistry can go only so far in resolving domestic–let’s just call it dissonance. As a man, I think that, in the end, the best approach for women to take is to be soft-spoken and direct. And highly repetitive. Never lose track of how much success politicians and makers of pain relievers achieve, simply by wearing down resistance by way of repetition. Staying on message is the key–and maintaining an (admittedly fake) aura of good will and wifely tolerance. For the more intelligent husband, this very aspect will eventually generate guilt and loss of self-respect, leading to action. Less intelligent spouses will eventually be williing to do whatever it takes to make the message go away.
You are apparently young. I know this from your speculations on the potential effectiveness of vacuuming in front of your husband naked. I am old, but blog on similar matters. Not the vacuuming matter, domestic questions. At least some of the time. My first blog is called justbillandthemister.com, a joint effort by me and the central character in a novel I published in 08 titled Just Bill. The second blog–another joint venture, this one written with my wife–can be found at http://www.drinksbeforedinner.com
I hope you’ll pay a visit to one or both.
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bknister ~
First off, thanks for stopping by! And, I have to say that I’m happy to have you share a glimpse into the male mind (I’m also happy that you called me “young” — thanks for making my day :-)) I’m intrigued by the suggestion that the intelligent man can possibly be guilted into action whereas the less intelligent man will take action just to make it go away. I’d have to slightly disagree in that, I consider my hubby to be an intelligent man but, he will indeed, on occasion, take action just to make me shut up. He has even gone so far as to demonstrate & admit this behavior as we debated about the proper place for dirty shoes (which you can read about here: https://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/12/29/you-did-not-just-put-those-on-the-table/ )
So, I’d have to assume, based on my hubby’s behavior, that the guilt vs avoidance responses could be directly influenced by which way the wind is blowing or of course, what game is on the tv. The challenge now becomes how high the “wifely tolerance” threshold is!
BTW… I’d be happy to swing by and check out your blogs!
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I think “nagging” happens when you say the same thing over and over again without any effect. It’s like the definition of insanity (trying the same thing over and over again and getting the same result). I have found that when my husband is sexually satisfied, he’s more likely to do things around the house. And, I’ve also found that, when he is more likely to do things around the house, I’m more likely to feel in the mood. It’s not a hard and fast trade. It’s more of a recipe for mutual happiness.
But one thing that has really worked for me is setting aside a day and time when we all (me, him and our 5 yr old) clean the house together. That way no one is cleaning while someone else is watching TV. I usually get more done because I’m a more efficient cleaner. But at least everyone is pitching in, and it creates a more warm atmosphere.
The other thing I do is phrase things like this, “Hey, could you help me by cleaning the crumbs off the counter?” Men love to help. It makes them feel big and important and special and all of that. Sure, it can be annoying to ask for help a lot of the time, but it does get the job done.
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Alisa ~ I think I must be living the definition of insanity! I sure do feel insane as I’ve asked for the same box to be carried to the basement for the umpteenth time! Thanks for your thoughts, and I’m totally with you on your example of “mutual happiness”.
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I think timing is a huge part of the difference between nagging and not-nagging. Nagging is when you’ve asked him to do something for the third time – and he’s obviously been doing something else (even if it’s just watching tv) all 3 times. In fact, getting my timing right has been a huge success factor in getting help from my husband.
For example – if I’m making dinner and my husband is standing in there talking with me, I ask ‘Hey, while you’re standing there can you grab the broom and sweep up the bits the dogs have tracked in?’ WHILE YOU’RE STANDING THERE is HUGE. Or prefacing a request with ‘ARE YOU BUSY RIGHT NOW’ (? ‘I need help with x if you’ve got time. It shouldn’t take longer than 10 minutes.) Both of those subtly point out that he isn’t doing anything at all – and definitely not anything helpful while I’m busy working on something. Once I get my husband to snap out of his haze with one of those questions which (a) respect his opportunity to say he’s busy, (b) give him a specific task that needs completed, (c) provide a time frame to get it done and/or an estimate of how long it should take him – then he’ll usually start with what I asked – and continue on with the next 3 things he KNOWS I’m going to ask about WITHOUT me asking. (He’ll sweep the floor, hang up the coat he tossed on the kitchen chair (which I’ll ask him next if he doesn’t), and then he’ll start helping chop a salad, doing some dishes, or getting his brewing supplies off the countertops.
Timing is your friend.
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Nota ~ When I ask hubby “are you busy right now”.. the answer could easily be “uhm yeah, I’m very busy, I’m watching tv.. can’t you see that!?” And, I have to agree with KB and unfortunately say that the likelihood of getting hubby to actually schedule a chore, is about as likely as getting him to learn to sew, eat ginger (https://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/do-i-like-that/) or watch Sex In The City with me!
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See – that IS the thing. While your definition of busy may not be watching TV – he’s decided that it fits into his definition of busy. No one wants to be interrupted to ‘go do right now’ when they’ve gotten into a program – not to say that isn’t a bit of a skewed priority indicator – but my husband knows there are certain shows I sit down to watch and that’s my way to relax. So yes, I’m busy when I’m watching those shows.
Also, I don’t write the cleaning on the calendar when I’ve made a date. I just gently remind him when the day comes by getting the activity started myself, or when he’s gotten coffee and is lounging – ‘Hey – remember we talked about spending a couple hours on X today. What works in your schedule today?’
Although – I am lucky – he is pretty easy going, and he knows I’m all about the FAIR in our relationship. We aren’t perfect – and I have had to remind him that ‘There are 2 adults living in this house. I should not be picking up laundry behind BOTH OF THEM.’ in the occasional I’ll-poison-your-soup tone.
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Also to add – if the job is bigger than sweeping, I make a date with him. I will say early in the week when I actually know I have his attention (while he’s sweeping) ‘Hey – we’ve got some open spots on the calendar this weekend and I need to get X, Y & Z done around the house. Can you block out 2 hours on Saturday afternoon to give me a hand (cleaning something other than your office – where he hides when he’s lost on how he should be doing the specific tasks I’ve requested)? I CAN’T GET IT ALL DONE BY MYSELF.”
Gets a committment, sets the agenda, gives the time frame – AND GIVES HIM BONUS ‘You’re my hero!’ points since well – I wouldn’t be able to do it without him. (wink, wink).
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I don’t know Alisa.
Setting aside the issue of nagging, the whole business of strategizing for getting someone to share the burden by pulling conscientiously on his own oar is hard to generalize. What if the marriage arrangement is a conventional one, of which there still are a surprising number? That is, a family with a stay-at-home mom, hubby the breadwinner, etc. That significantly changes things.
I assume this doesn’t apply to you. Do you or your husband work a lot of overtime? It could be a factor. Is your husband fundamentally lazy, selfish, dense, chauvinistic? Let’s assume none of this applies. If so, what you say about timing is almost certainly perceptive. The same request is not the same request when it’s made, say, during the Super Bowl. or while someone is reading the latest issue of The New Yorker.
In my case, all this is inapplicable: I retired a few years ago, but long before I did, the sense of fairness had been established with me. I watched it in action all the years I was growing up, so it would make me uncomfortable to avoid chores. Make no mistake: I am well aware that my wife Barbara does more than I do. But a sort of balance has over the years been established.
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Thank you bknister, for pointing out the nuances that prove why the above suggestions may or may not work. As in the above post, I too have had a very difficult time in determining when is a “good ” time to approach my hubby with household help. I completely agree that the line of demarcation is constantly changing.What works one day, will inevitably turn into an argument the next time! I have learned to accept the help when I get it and am still left scratching my head on what acctualy caused it to happen and even more frustrated with figuring out the next strategy! (I’m sorry, but I had to laugh at the above suggestions: a family cleaning day….my husband would not even acknowledge such a suggestion. Nor would he ever schedule chores on the calendar! Perhaps your men are more easy going than mine. But thanks for sharing!)
bknister, your wisdom shows!
To Admin, this was a good one! Thanks for pointing out with humor, what I live with every day!
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K.B ~ I have to caution you… with all that head scratching you must be doing (which undoubtedly is more often than not) please be careful to avoid overscratching… you could hurt yourself and then who would do all the chores?
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i have a similar problem with my hubby. My solution is just remind him once a day. Like for example we needed to take the Christmas Lights down by a certain day because were military and live on base and they give us regulations for stupid stuff like that. So I reminded him the day after Christmas that the lights needed to be down by Jan 7th. Then I preceded to remind him during the rest of his holiday that he had off for Christmas but only once a day typically in the morning and nonchalantly(sp). When he went back to work I didn’t mention it because I knew it wouldn’t get done since he was on 12 hr shifts for 5 days. Then when his friday came around I reminded him that evening and once a day in the morning. H doesn’t seem to complain about it, because he admits he needs to be reminded, and I dont mention the chore more than once a day unless it HAS to be done before the day is done, and then the annoying nagging has to commence.
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I know this is super old at this point but I stumbled across this and it got me thinking in regards to my wife. I read your blog because you seem to have a similar perspective as her so I try to understand.
Here’s the thing about nagging: For me, it has more to do with the ‘how’ and the ‘when’ then it does to what she actually has to say. I legitimately want to please my wife and do things to help. That being said, she has the worst timing ever for trying to talk to me about things she needs done.
She’s a stay at home wife and I work. We don’t have kids but we learned in our first year of marriage that both of us working, doesn’t work, so I guess we’re a bit old fashioned. Inevitably what ends up happening on almost a daily basis is that I come home from working (at a job where I am either staring at a screen all day, in meetings all day, managing my college student staff, or putting out other peoples fires but usually all of this at once) and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I want to retreat to her and our home for sanctuary but within minutes of walking in the door she’s already told me 5 things that she needs me to do and all of it feels like nagging. Mostly I interpret it that way because none of things she’s asking/telling need to be address right that very minute when I walk in the door. (For example: “Here is the bottle of shampoo the groomer needs when you drop off the dogs.” I’ve taken two steps into the house and my hands are full holding a jacket and my briefcase. The dogs don’t go to the groomer for two more days.) I feel that I would be a million times more receptive if she’d just let me come inside, change my clothes, and greet me with a ‘hi honey how was your day?’. Once I’ve had a chance to relax a minute I’m more than happy to do whatever she needs.
I could go into some other stuff but it might just sound like I’m complaining about my wife and that isn’t the point. I love my wife.
The point is that maybe the line between nagging and informing has some other factors beyond admitting the need for knowledge and providing the knowledge. I know I need the knowledge and I depend on my wife to provide it and keep me on track. I just hope that my wife can learn to read better when is a good time to dispense that information.
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