Marriage Is Knowing Your Spouse Better Than He Knows Himself (or his shoes!)

Hello!  I’ve missed you all.  It’s been an insane holiday season filled with family time, illnesses and WAY too much work.   Perhaps you’ve enjoyed the respite from my nutso stories or maybe, just maybe, you’ve been missing me ….. a little bit??

 

Either way, I stole some time from a long list of other things I should be doing to write a post today.

 

I’ve written many times about how difficult it seems to be for men to find things in their own home.  And I’m not talking about the silver pie server that makes an appearance at one dinner every 5-6 years.   Or the cookie cutters that only come out at Christmas time – you know, the ones that hubby probably doesn’t even know we own… even though he partakes in consuming probably 85+% of the cookies, lovingly cut with these and painstakingly decorated each holiday?   I’ve shared stories about him not being able to find things in the pantry that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.  I’ve blogged about the mysteriously missing cable modem.  And, I’ve also begrudgingly showed you a picture of a closet where misplaced & “lost” items go to die.

 

I’m always baffled about how most men (more than I can count in my own life) have ZERO idea where many things go.  This is showcased by the miraculous day they empty the dishwasher.  When the stars align, Mercury is in retrograde and they have a moment of complete love, helpfulness, craziness and decide to partake in a household chore (GASP!).  And then, stay with me ladies  – you all know this moment – they stand proudly next to a pile of items they’ve removed from the dishwasher and placed on the counter only to declare that they’ve gone as far as they can with this task because “they have no idea where the rest of the items go….”.  All the while, simultaneously waiting for a pat on the back for all the help they’ve just provided you!!  ****SIGH*****

 

But what’s even more perplexing to me is how they sometimes seem to lack knowledge of many of their own things.  I mean heck, it’s one thing to not know about kitchen items (apparently MY domain – even though I don’t have recollection of accepting this domain as mine).  But, when they forget that they own something, forget where they put their favorite shirt, or belt, or tool… it just doesn’t compute for me!

 

So, take this example and help me to understand.

 

Over the holidays we decided to have some family pictures taken as a surprise gift for my parents.  Mostly grandchildren pictures but we did a few full family shots.  And, like any dorky family picture, we decided to get all matchy-match.  You can groan if you want – Hubby sure did!   Anyhow, part of the plan for our outfits was for everyone to wear brown shoes.

 

So, hubby gets his “brown” shoes and puts them on.  He’s ready to go.

 

I look at his feet and I’m like… “Uhm hon?  Those shoes aren’t brown.”  To which he replies… “sure they are!”.

 

What’s with men and colors?  The shoes he has on are just simply not brown.  Maybe greenish, or some weird dark grey with a bizarre tint to them.    Even now, I’m not 100% sure I can define the color of the shoes he had on.  BUT, they were not brown.

 

So I say to him… “just go grab shoes that are actually brown”.   He gives me that look…. you know the look, the one that says “you’re crazy lady – I don’t know what you’re talking about” look.   Then he speaks, “These are the closest I have to brown… these will have to do”.  So I say, “No, you have actual brown shoes”.  “No I don’t”,  “Yes you do”, “I don’t think so”…. (you can see where this is going).  So, I go upstairs into his closet.  I move around piles of crap, things that have been missing for years (if you don’t remember how he keeps his closet – or drawers – check HERE & HERE) and lo and behold I find brown shoes… and then another pair of brown shoes.  I bring both pairs downstairs.   He looks at them…. “Hummmpf” he says, “I guess I do have brown shoes”……………………………

 

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HELP! I Can’t Find It!

A typical conversation in my house (you can insert any item you’d like into this conversation)

 

Hubby:  “I looked everywhere, it’s gone”

Me: “You looked everywhere….. hmmm??”

Hubby: “Yes, I just spent the last 10 minutes looking for it, and it’s not there”

Me: “Did you look in the closet?”

Hubby: “Yep”

Me: “Did you look in the cubby in the garage?”

Hubby: “Yes, I even picked up the stuff and checked behind it”

Me: “Are you sure you really looked?”

Hubby: “Yes, it’s gone”

Me: “So, if I were to get up right now and look in the closet, it wouldn’t be there”

Hubby: “No way… “

Me: “So, if I did happen to find it, how much will you give me?”

Hubby: “I’m not giving you anything… it’s not there”

Me: “Ok, $5.00 if I find it”

 

I stop whatever I’m doing, walk upstairs, open the closet, grab the item he cannot find that’s sitting on the shelf staring at me, calling my name, practically jumping into my hands…

I walk downstairs.

I hand him the “missing” item.

 

Me:  “That’ll be $5.00 please”

Hubby: “Where did you find that?”

Me: “In the closet, right where you left it”

Hubby: “Humpf… I looked there”

Me:  “I know honey…”

 

By my calculations, hubby probably owes me about $1835 for locating lost items (but who’s counting?)

 

I have deemed hubby to be the worst “looker-forer” (that’s my own terminology) that I’ve ever met.  However, I’ve come to find that this seems to be yet another widespread male trait. Why is it that men cannot find anything at all around the house? Without fail, he looks forever for something and finally gives up and I find the missing item in probably less than a minute.  And, mind you, these are not items I have put away.. they are his items… tools, clothes, electronics etc. 

 

Our most recent example of this came via a housewide search for a missing cable modem. This was a brand new, $100 item that was actually supposed to be returned.  I should probably also mention that this was an item that hubby purchased, hubby handled and hubby lost.  I never touched or even saw this new modem.  So, hubby decides he’s going to make the trip to Best Buy to make the return only… he can’t find it.   He looks furiously around the house for a L-O-N-G time.  Then, with his head bowed down, he comes to see me in the family room to declare that, not only can he not find it but, he vaguely remembers throwing it away.  I did mention that this was brand new (in the box) right??  So, I say to hubby “well, I don’t know what to tell you about this one.  I had nothing to do with it, and now you’re telling me that you think you threw it out… I cannot magically find this one.. no matter how much money you’re willing to give me!”  Hubby says… “well, I guess that’s $100 down the drain…”

(little does he know that he could have paid me $20 and I would have gladly put it somewhere for safe keeping AND he still would have netted an $80 return)

 

So, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why it’s so difficult for men to keep track of stuff, to put stuff where it belongs and to later find these very same items.  I may never, ever understand this!

 

And….. as for the missing cable modem…. We did indeed find it, in a random bag, in a random closet about 3 days later……  And, it’s still a big mystery about how it could have found it’s way there… hmmmmmmmm….??!!

 

 

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