Posts Tagged ‘husband’

You may have seen this before but I just received it today in an email  from a  friend, and I thought it was funny enough to share.

Since my dear hubby works in IT, I find this incredibly relevant.   If you read my post about what changes when you get married you’ll know that “upgrading” a boyfriend to a husband does indeed present some interesting challenges.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as  NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?





First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.


I’ve taken the liberty of linking many pieces of this email to older posts about hubby.   At first glance, you may have thought that “Desperate” could be me.  I can assure you it’s not BUT, it just goes to show that it could potentially be any of us.

And, like most other computer users out there.. after you realize that your operating system is just not working like it used to you have 2 choices: either throw the computer out the window or, start rebuilding your system to function the way you need it to….. much like way we need to treat many men!!


I hope you enjoyed!


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True Story…. My coffee machine at home doesn’t work today!  (before you proceed… if you didn’t read my post yesterday – please do so now  “A Sprinkle of Estrogen”)


Either the universe is trying to tell me something…


Like maybe I drink too much coffee or…

Maybe I should cut back on caffeine or…

Maybe men & estrogen jokes aren’t funny or…

Maybe I shouldn’t threaten messing with hubby’s masculinity




Maybe Hubby has sabotaged my Mr. Coffee??


Since I’m unemployed, hubby gets up before me. 

Sometimes he leaves me presents (if you need a refresher see HERE). 

Sometime he leaves me notes (call the lawn guy). 

Sometimes he breaks my coffee machine to protect himself.



Ok, I really have no idea if hubby messed with my coffee machine.. In all likelihood he didn’t even touch it (he doesn’t even drink coffee at home before work). But it is quite curious that it completely doesn’t work today.


I wake up, grab the carafe, fill it with water, grab a filter, fill it with coffee… turn it on ….. AND>>>>>> NOTHING! 


The little light is on but it’s not making any noise.  It’s as if it’s mocking me.  Laughing that I thought  it would be an accomplice to spiking hubby’s coffee. Taunting me with that little orange glow.  It sits there, stubbornly glaring at me.  I unplug it and plug it back in.  The same mocking light.. shining brightly on me…. Interrogating me – “Did you really think that you’d get away with this?”  I can hear it say to me.  “Aw come on, just make my coffee” I say.  SILENCE!


Anyhow, I was too lazy to go out and buy myself a cup of coffee today… so, I’m officially caffeine free.. and it’s 2:00 now.  Yes, I’m cranky. Yes, I want some coffee.  No, I’m still not really awake. 


And….. even if Mr. Coffee doesn’t want to play this game with me, Mr Fat Free Milk just might have to step up, after all, I’m trying to conduct a legitimate experiment here! 


To Be Continued…………..


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I read an interesting article today that attempts to review the “Why” behind a couple of gender based quirks.  It was an interesting read which can be found here: Why Does My Partner.  But, as always, I like to put my own spin on things.  So below, I’ll highlight a few of the male traits they addressed and I’ll relate them to hubby & me.


Why he prefers to spend five minutes precariously balancing a banana skin on top of the trash rather than empty it.


The Article Suggests:  “Real men test their masculine abilities on an overflowing trash bag.  It’s a challenge to get a thrill out of – a half-empty bag is boring.”

In My House:  If the banana peel actually makes it to the trash can, I’d celebrate!  The true test of his masculine abilities is to see how long he can tune me out as I ask him why certain items don’t make it to the trash at all.


Why he can’t find the keys when they’re in front of him. 


The Article Suggests: “Researchers aren’t certain as to whether this difference is down to hard-wiring of the brain or learned.  But, women tend to perform better when tested on location memory”

In My House: The reason he can’t find the keys when they’re in front of him, is because I’ve moved them from where he put them to where they are SUPPOSED to be.  And, he’d never in a million years be able to find them hanging on the key holder.


Why the way a gift is presented is nearly as important to her as what’s inside it.

Lord help the man who wraps his wife’s expensive gift in brown parcel paper 


The Article Suggests: “Because it’s not just about the present; it’s about the communication. And, .. women often try to read a guy’s emotions from his actions”

At My House: A true gift wouldn’t actually need to be wrapped at all.  It could come in the form of a clean bathroom, some folded laundry and a cooked dinner!


Why he can recall an obscure ’70s band but can’t remember your anniversary.


The Article Suggests: “Emotional memories such as anniversary dates are triggered by estrogen, whereas the ability to recall facts utilizes testosterone,”

At My House: I’ll be testing this theory tomorrow with a sprinkle of estrogen in his coffee… I’ll have to keep you posted!


Well, there you have it.  You just got a glimpse into our household… pretty scary huh?!! 

And, even after all that….I’ll admit, I still don’t really understand the “Why”.

Do you?


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Oh. My. God.

I made a mistake today….. I opened a drawer…… I wish that I hadn’t.


This drawer was in hubby’s nightstand. A place I never, ever go. A place for hubby’s “nightstand stuff”

But, apparently, it’s a place that hubby never goes either.


So you have full appreciation for this story… I must share some photos.

The drawer in it's orignal condition

Stage 1: The drawer in it's orignal condition

If you read my Random Marriage Truths you know that one of them says that clean is not always clean.

And, I have to admit that today is a testimony to this statement.


Even with the appearance of clean, it may not necessarily be clean at all…


So, although I’m scared.. I begin to explore.  I start by removing “big items”, books & old magazines… and here’s what I’m left with.

Stage 2:  All magazines have been removed

Stage 2: All magazines have been removed


As you can see, hubby’s “surface sweeping” method of cleaning, while it does indeed clear a surface, does not by my definition mean clean.


Here’s a catalog of items I uncovered in this drawer (it’s not 100% inclusive but it will give you a great overview)!

  • 14 old magazines (4 different types)drawer 007
  • 3 lighters (hubby doesn’t smoke?)
  • $28.42 (most of this was in change)
  • 2 keys (God only knows what these open)
  • 1 pair of glasses
  • 3 books
  • 1 battery
  • 1 certified copy of his birth certificate (???????)drawer 004
  • 5 empty bottles of Afrin nasal spray (hubby has a SICK addiction to this stuff)
  • 1 piece of candy
  • 1 hotel bill from a vacation we took in July 2007
  • 15 old birthday/holiday cards
  • 1 GraBit screw and broken bolt extractor (who doesn’t need this next to the bed for drawer 009emergencies??)
  • Gold Bond itch cream


  • And… more crumbled receipts, tissues and other crap, than I care to detail 



Well, there you have it. 

Beware of the male “clean”.  I think they truly believe that if it can’t be seen then it’s really not there.  I have no idea when hubby last cleaned out this drawer (perhaps he never has?).  But I do know that every single time I asked him to “clean off” his nightstand, the stuff on top did indeed disappear.

So ladies, my words of advice to you:

  1. Be careful what you ask for…
  2. Be careful how you ask…
  3. Always understand that “clean may not always be clean”
  4. If you are ever in bed and you need $.45, some itch cream, or you’re just wondering what you spent at home depot in 2007… just roll over and ask hubby to fish out what you need from the stash of important stuff in his nightstand!

And, my last words of wisdom:  If there’s a drawer in your house that you haven’t opened for a while….  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

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