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Posts Tagged ‘idiosyncrasies’

Hubby ordered sausage & pepper pizza 2 nights ago.

 

Now for a normal person, this wouldn’t be worth blogging about BUT since it was hubby and it goes against virtually everything he believes in, I had to put it out there into the blogosphere to try to solicit some sympathy.  Because, for my life, I cannot figure this man out.

 

If you don’t understand why this would matter, you should read this post:  You’re Gonna Ruin It.

 

It’s in that post where I first shared hubby’s aversion to “contaminating” his cheese pizza with anything but cheese.   This has been an on-going battle since the day I met hubby.  I like toppings on my pizza and he doesn’t.   As I mentioned in that last post, we haven’t been able to find a happy medium without ordering separate pizzas, because the minute I add any toppings to half the pizza, I have “ruined his plain cheese half with flavor & smells from my toppings”.  And, my dear blog readers, apparently this is just plain unacceptable!

 

BUT… just when you think you have him figured out, he likes to change things up on you.

 

So, we’re out to dinner with friends and he decides he wants a pizza.  The waiter comes over and he orders just that… a cheese pizza.  Then the waiter starts prodding him.  “Just cheese??” he says.   To which I reply, “He won’t eat anything but plain cheese….. everything else ruins his pizza!”  But the waiter isn’t letting this one pass, he says “wouldn’t you want some peppers, or maybe some onions, or how about some sausage?”.   And hubby looks at him, as if he’s contemplating these offerings.  I, on the other hand, am steadfast in my opinion of his pizza order.  I KNOW that hubby won’t contaminate his pizza.  I’ve had to have this debate for the last 10 years.  It always ends the same way…. nothing but cheese.

 

But hubby seems to waver.

 

The waiter presses on….. “We make a fantastic sausage & pepper pizza”.   Our friends join in… “They do make a great sausage & pepper pizza”.   I chime in… “What’s going on with you?  Are you about to be pressured into pizza with toppings????  You and I have argued this very topic for years and if you change you mind, right here, right now….. I may just have to kill you.”   

 

“OK” he says…. “sausage & peppers it is!”.   And then, I fainted, fell out of my chair, and they had to rush me to the hospital.     Did MY husband just order toppings on his pizza?  It couldn’t be?  We’ve discussed this ad nauseum,  I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded.  I’ve rationalized with him about the fact that separately, he likes sausage and he likes peppers.  All to no avail.  I must always eat just plain cheese unless I want to get my own personal pizza.  And now, here we are, and he’s succumbing to peer pressure at the restaurant.  WHERE WAS THIS WAITER 10 YEARS AGO???????????????

 

After he orders, again, I have to say to him… “Are you sure?  What’s going on with you?  Did you just cave in and order something you don’t really want?  Cause, we can still change this and put the universe back on it’s axis!”.   And, he looks at me and smugly replies…. “Nope, I’m totally happy.  I want sausage & peppers”.    And that moment folks, was when I realized that I wanted smack him right upside the head.    But instead, I gave him the reply that always seems to follow any ridiculous or impossible to understand behavior…….  “You know, you really are EXHAUSTING…………”

 

Now, I have no idea if this was an isolated incident (likely).  And, I’m having trouble celebrating that he’s finally opened his eyes to a new form of pizza since it was only once (probably).   And beyond all of that, sometimes I wonder if he chooses to be difficult just to test me……. and now, after 10 years of toying with me, he’s deemed it time to shake things up a bit.    And everyone wonders why I started a blog…………………………………

 

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The statement that hubby HATES shopping probably doesn’t come as a surprise to you.  And, I suppose hate is perhaps too weak a word.  Other words that come to mind:  abhor, deplore, despise, detest, loathe.  Let’s just say, he’d probably rather have toothpicks shoved underneath his fingernails than go shopping.

 

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you may remember the shopping excursion for our new refrigerator.  This story was shared in my unemployment blog from last year (when I was still unemployed and blogging there regularly).

There are two key takeaways from this story…

 

  1. It wasn’t a shopping excursion for US, it was a shopping excursion for ME  (this is because hubby told ME to do all the shopping and then, when I had narrowed it down to my favorites, he’d come to see them -thus excusing himself from annoying trips to umpteen stores to see different styles and to compare prices) 
  2.  

  3. Hubby’s ultimate choice was driven SOLEY by bright lights & the size of the fridge (totally negating all the pre-work I had done about specs & features of all the fridges).  Not much unlike the Bigger Is Always Better Theory

 

Hubby is a fairly typical man:

A trip to Target – MISERABLE

A trip to Best Buy – HAPPY!

A trip to the Mall – MISERABLE

A trip to ummm…. ahhhh…. Ok, maybe it’s just Best Buy that makes him happy!

 

If you were to ask hubby how he might acquire things without making any shopping trips, he’d happily tell you that his store of choice would be Amazon.com.  Where he could happily shop from the comfort of his couch!

 

Anyhow, there are 2 things that can get hubby to motivate his lazy ass off the couch to go shopping. One is electronics (which should be no surprise to you, since you’ve heard me blog quite a few times about our tv purchase).   And, the 2nd item is not so obvious…. It’s actually a Christmas tree.  Yes, my grumpy, awfulizer hubby LOVES Christmas!  He hates the crowds, the shopping, and the work involved but he sure does love his tree.

 

So every year we head out to buy a live Christmas tree.  Now, you’d think since hubby loathes shopping this would be a relatively painless experience BUT, you’d be wrong.  This is another hubby idiosyncrasy, perhaps it’s reflective of the same mental reason he needs to eat his cheese flat or, the same reason he must use a certain bowl for a certain food item but….. the tree we purchase must be PERFECT.

  • It can’t be too tall
  • It can’t be too short
  • It can’t be too wide
  • It can’t be too full
  • It must be symmetrical
  • It must have nooks & crannies
  • It must just reach our ceiling
  • It must have perfect branches
  • It must sing songs of joy & Christmas cheer
  • It must decorate itself
  • It must bake sugar cookies…

 

Ok… maybe I got a bit carried away at the end there… but I think you’re getting the point.  We need to buy the most pristine perfect tree when we go shopping.. no matter what sort of effort this takes.

 

So, off we go to buy a tree.

 

We stop at one roadside vendor.  He has TONS of trees.

 

Hubby:  “Why does he have so many all tied up.. I can’t tell what they really look like”

Me:  “Well, let’s get him to untie some”

Hubby:  “No, they’ll still be all squished… we’ll never get a good gauge”

Me: “Well, let’s just look around anyway”

Hubby:totally disengaged at this point .. wanders around aimlessly looking at everything BUT trees

Me: “Ok, let’s try somewhere else”

Hubby:  smiling again  “OK!”

 

New Vendor

 

Hubby: “I don’t like these kinds of trees”

Me: “Huh?  They’re Christmas trees??”

Hubby:  “No, I like Balsam or maybe Nobles and these all look Douglas Firs”

Me:  “Does it really make that much of a difference.. these are only $30!”

Hubby: “Yeah, it makes a difference.  I like the ones that are less full so you can put the ornaments into the tree”

Me: “So, none of these will work?”

Hubby:  “Nope, they’re all too dense & full”

Me: “Ok, let’s try somewhere else”

 

Driving up to new vendor

 

Hubby:  “I can tell already that they don’t have the right trees”

Me:  “We’re still in the parking lot.. how on earth can you tell from this far away?”

Hubby:  “I just can”

Me: “Can we at least go look?”

Hubby: grumbling  “I guess”

 

Walking through the trees…..

 

Hubby: “See, I told you these would all suck”

Me: “You’re sure there’s nothing here that would work?”

Hubby:  “No”

Me:getting exasperated “Ok, we’ll try somewhere else”

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  (I think I lost count about how many places we tried….)

 

So eventually, we wind up at Home Depot…. It’s now about 8:50pm.  We walk in the door and we immediately hear a PA announcement… “the store will be closing in 10 minutes….”

 

Hubby looks at me and says….. “You know I can’t pick one out in only 10 minutes…”

 

And then….. Yes, you guessed it….. We don’t even bother looking and we go home empty handed.

 

I swear I couldn’t make this shit up.

 

On a side note:  I will admit that we always wind up with a beautiful tree.  So, I’m not taking anything away from hubby holding out for perfection but good lord, it’s worth traveling to 6 different stores to find a Christmas tree but not to buy a $2500 refrigerator?????    Aaaaaarrrrghhhhhh!!

 

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Well, I’ve written many posts about hubby’s quirks… most specifically his food quirks.  Almost every week in our home, hubby’s interesting, bizarre, annoying, charming, idiosyncrasies bubble up to the surface.

 

And, in this post today, I’ll take “bubbling up to the surface” to a new place for you.

 

Today’s post is about one of America’s favorite foods and to be quite honest, probably one of the most sacred food items in many homes in our area.  Yes, today I’m talking about that ever-so-important, staple food item…. The Pizza Pie.

 

Now, for those of you who are familiar with this special food item, you know how serious people take their pizzas.  

 

  • Some people love thin crust
  • Some love deep dish
  • Some debate NY Style over Chicago Style
  • Some people love extra cheese
  • Some people want “the works”
  • Some people drive hours for that perfect slice
  • Some people cook them on stones
  • Some people buy DiGiorno …

 

And for some people, like us… nothing beats a perfectly cooked, perfectly sauced, perfectly cheesed slice of pizza!

 

BUT.. that’s where the similarities end for hubby & myself when it comes to agreeing on what “perfection” truly looks like.

 

I’ll admit that although we’d tried virtually every pizza place that delivers around where we live, we have yet to find that GREAT pizza.  You know, the one that makes your mouth water as you think about it. The one that you dive into so quickly when it arrives, that you scorch the ever-living-crap out of roof of your mouth and… you don’t even care….. IT’S THAT GOOD…….

 

But, this story is actually not about finding the best slice of pizza around… it’s all about the surface of the pizza….

 

What do I mean by this??  Well, let’s just say, that hubby is a traditionalist (boring) when it come to his pizza.  He likes it to be in its natural (boring) state.  He like it to have cheese.  Only cheese.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong here.  I LOVE a plain slice of pizza.  And, I’m certainly not knocking the occasional cheese only pizza.  But occasionally I like to spice up life a bit.  And, by “spice up” I mean branching out from that boring cheese-only menu to ADD stuff to my pizza.  I’m a renegade.  A non-conformist.  A crazy person…..  Sometimes it’s sausages, sometimes meatballs, sometimes peppers.. pepperoni… broccoli.  The choices are literally ENDLESS.  But hubby, nope, hubby likes his cheese and nothing but his cheese.    It’s not that he doesn’t eat all these other items.  As a matter of fact, he eats everything I just mentioned.  Just NOT on his pizza!

 

Now, I’m sure many of you are thinking … which most logical people would, that there’s an easy fix to this disagreement.  But remember, hubby’s logic is sometimes not all that logical!

 

You might suggest that we order the large pizza (like we normally would) and that I could get half with toppings and half without.  What an easy solution to satisfy both of us.. or so you think… until you spend a moment in hubby’s mind.

 

You see… I cannot get half a pizza with toppings because they will, and I quote, “contaminate the cheese only side of the pizza”.  Yes, this is the real reason that hubby & I cannot share a large pizza!

 

Hubby’s complaints include the following:

 

There will inevitably be certain topping elements that “infringe” on the cheese only side of the pizza when it gets cut (these elements are obviously impossible to remove)

The smells/flavors of the other food items will migrate over to the cheese only side of the pizza (and obviously the smell of say, meatballs, is repulsive to him!)

 

I want to highlight something I mentioned earlier.. just in case you missed it.  Hubby eats ALL of the food items that I’d want to put on ½ of the pizza.. so you’d think that since he eats meatball sandwiches he wouldn’t be horrified at the thought of a piece of meatball meandering over to his side of the pie, or of the aroma of a meatball wafting over to his cheese.

 

But the fact remains that we can never, ever, share a pizza because I will ruin his pizza eating experience.  I will forever either have to order us each smaller pizzas (and have extra leftovers) or forego pizza altogether if I’m feeling a little zany (you know, like wanting slice of pepperoni).

 

Which brings me to a conversation that we had this past week.

Me:  “Hon, what do you feel like for dinner?”

Hubby:  “Not really sure, should we order something?”

Me: “Yeah, I was thinking that. I don’t really feel like cooking”

Hubby: pouting over-dramtically  “Well, I could really go for pizza… but you’ll want to ruin it”

Me:  “Can’t I just put peppers on half?”

Hubby:  “Nah, forget it.  I’d rather order something else”

Me: “I fail to understand your logic”

Hubby:  “You’ll never understand, but it will be ruined if you order half of it with peppers”

Me: “But you like peppers…..”

Hubby: “Let’s just order Chinese”

Me: “Ok, fine.  We’ll order you a large, cheese-only pizza, and I’ll get something else. I don’t even know why we have these conversations……”

Hubby:  giddy with joy… “OK!!”

 

And, the pizza crisis was adverted…..all is right with the world (PHEW!)

 

(And, yes, I do live with an adult child…. In case any of you were wondering……………………..)

 

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By now you’re probably realizing that my dear hubby has far more quirks than the normal guy…

 

You may have also realized that many of his idiosyncrasies have to do with food items.  Whether it’s flattening his cheese, trying new foods or avoiding items that “require too much work”, hubby likes stuff just a certain way.

 

Over the years I’ve come to accept most of these quirks although, I’ll admit, I never pass up the opportunity to make fun of him every now and then… after all, how else would I find things to blog about??

 

Today’s quirk comes to you courtesy of a story about hubby actually performing a chore at our house.  I know, I’ll give you a moment to sit down.  It is shocking after all.  And, you may even need another moment after I tell you which chore he actually did.

 

Are you ready for it??  Hubby took dishes out of the sink and put them into the dishwasher.  OH MY!  It must have been a magical day.  Either that or he was feeling mighty generous and he offered the fairies a mental health day.  Either way, rather than putting items into the sink, he was actually taking them out of it.  (I was giddy with joy!!)

 

Here’s where this new quirk comes in…. (well, it’s not a new quirk.. but it’s new to the blog….)

 

As he removed a dish from the sink he commented.. “This isn’t a tuna fish bowl…. You made tuna fish in an ice cream bowl!”.  I replied.. “You’re kidding right?”.  And of course he said..”Nope not kidding.  You put tuna into an ice cream bowl”.

 

Now for those of you with all your mental faculties, you’re probably thinking.. what the heck is he talking about? A bowl, is a bowl, is a bowl.  And, many years ago I was right there with you, but I’ve learned through our marriage that sometimes it’s easier to just entertain hubby’s moments of craziness.

 

So of course I say to him “Ok honey, which bowl should I have put it in?”  And, he says.. “well, the green bowls are the tuna bowls”.  Ah yes, the green bowls…. Silly me!

 

Hubby has actually has decided that certain bowls in our house serve a defined purpose. 

We have ice cream bowls.

 

We have cereal bowls.

 

We have tuna fish bowls.

 

We have pasta bowls.

 

 

I can assure you that messing with the designated usage of each bowl could quite possibly throw the entire universe out of whack.

 

Not only are certain bowls assigned to certain tasks but hubby will actually clean a dirty bowl if necessary, in order to have the right bowl for the right food item.  Yes, just in case you missed that statement…. My hubby will forego all his other chore-avoiding tendencies to remove a dirty “ice cream” bowl from the dishwasher and wash it in the sink if he wants to eat ice cream. 

 

There is, in fact, an ice cream eating ritual when it comes to using the correct tools.  I kid you not.  Not only is there an ice cream bowl BUT, there’s a specific ice cream spoon that MUST be used to put the ice cream into the bowl.  Simply no other utensil will do. Not a big metal spoon, not an alternative scoop….  Nope, there is one and only one type of bowl and one and only one type of scoop…

 

And don’t even get me going on glassware… there’s the water glass, the milk glass, the protein shake mug… I think you get the (absurd) picture!

 

Yes, my dear blog readers… this is how things roll in our house…..don’t you wish you could come over for a visit??

 

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If you’ve been reading for a while, you may have realized that hubby has a few quirks.    If you’re new here… let it be known, hubby has more than a few quirks!

 

A few of these quirks have to do with food.  Some examples would be:  Flattening his food, eating all the snacks & the allocation of twizzlers.

 

A while back I posted about how, when I met hubby, there were about 3 things that circulated through his consumption menu.  Little by little we’ve introduced him to additional foods.  Many of these foods have gone from “I’d never, ever eat that”, to “WOW, this is fantastic and I could probably eat it every single day”.  Or, “WOW, these are good! I think this is one of my new favorite things.” (For your enjoyment:  here’s a link to an older post about hubby’s introduction to sushi & shredded pork)  But, even after hubby has realized that it’s good to have an open mind and that occasionally you may actually be introduced to something new that’s awesome, there are still some food battles I cannot seem to win.

 

The specific battle I’m talking about is Work vs Reward foods.

 

Now, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’re not alone because when hubby first told me of this life mantra, I was all like “Huh?  That doesn’t even make any sense!”  But if you know me at all, then you also know that I utter that phrase weekly, if not daily, when I’m talking to hubby.

 

So, let me explain.  Apparently there are foods out there in the universe that require “too much work” to eat.  These foods also apparently provide “too little reward” as compared to the energy required for consumption.  Yeah, I don’t really get it either.  I mean, if we’re talking about shucking oysters then maybe I can get on board with that statement…. BUT, we’re not talking about oysters.  We’re talking about, oh let’s say, corn on the cob.   Yes, corn on the cob.   This is one item on hubby’s list of foods he won’t eat because it “requires too much work”.

 

It’s not uncommon for me to stop at the farmers market during the summer to buy some amazing, fresh corn on the cob.  We do after all live in Jersey and Jersey (for those of you that don’t know this) is known for some awesome fresh, & sweet corn on the cob.  Anyhow, I’ve learned over the years to only buy as much corn as I can personally eat.  Because when I cook dinner I only make one ear of corn for myself since hubby will not eat it!

 

Here’s a summer conversation with hubby from early in our relationship.

 

Me:  with much excitement  “Hey babe.. I bought some corn on the cob today… it looks fantastic”

Hubby:  “Yeah, that’s nice.”

Me: “You don’t like corn on the cob?”

Hubby: “No, not really…”

Me:  “Is this like the time you told me you don’t like pickles?”

Hubby:  “Nope, it’s not like that”

Me:  “Cause you know…. After you tried the pickles, you decided you loved them”

Hubby:  “Yes, I know I loved the pickles but this is not the same.  I don’t like corn on the cob”

Me: “What do ya mean, you ‘don’t like it’ ?  You like corn, I’ve seen you eat it!?”

Hubby:  “Yeah, I like corn, but I don’t eat corn on the cob”

Me:  utterly confused  “I don’t get it.   You do realize it’s the same thing right?”

Hubby:  “It’s not the same thing at all.  Corn on the cob is work.  Eating should not require work”

Me: “Ok, you’ve lost me here.  Eating corn on the cob is work?”

Hubby:  “Yes, you have to bite off all the corn, then some of it gets stuck in your teeth.  It’s a pain in the ass and it’s so not worth the effort!”

Me: “You’re crazy, you know that?

Hubby: “I may be, but I’m a crazy person who doesn’t eat corn on the cob!”

Just for the record… I did actually offer to cut off the corn kernels from the ear of the corn (just like you would for a little kid!), but somehow this is an unacceptable solution to his aversion to corn on the cob.  So, from this day forward I only buy 1 or 2 ears and I happily eat them while hubby goes without any vegetables.

 

This Work vs Reward issue extends far beyond corn on the cob. 

 

It also applies to any type of ribs.  Apparently there’s “not enough meat on the bone” to enjoy a rack of ribs.  You get “too messy & not enough food” for all the effort you need to put into them.  And, of course, running really close in second (or 3rd) place is a similar item (generally loved by most men).. buffalo wings on the bone.  Now, I’m not sure how many men out there would be too bothered to shove a hot wing into their mouth and pull off all the chicken but for hubby, this particular item falls into the too messy & too little reward category.

 

I think this life mantra does indeed trickle into other areas of our home..(although he’s never said it out loud)

 

  • I think it might be too much work to make the bed.
  • It could possibly be too much work to wipe crumbs off the counter
  • It’s definitely too much work to fold laundry

 

I actually don’t know which measurement tool accurately assesses work vs reward, but hubby seems to be confident that his work vs reward meter is accurate.
 

If you ask me however…. I’m not 100% sure that hubby’s tool is calibrated properly.

 

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Everyone has their idiosyncrasies.  Some people have traits that are cute & endearing.  Some people have behaviors that are odd, or disruptive. Some people have habits that are annoying & irritating. And some people, like my dear hubby, have behaviors that are just plain peculiar.

 

Many times when I share stories about my hubby I file them into a bucket of “typical male traits” or I generalize and say that many men exhibit similar behaviors BUT, the post I’d like to share today revolves around one of hubby’s OCD behaviors that make the least amount of sense to me.  And, this is a tall statement since a lot of what hubby does makes very little sense to me!

 

So, I’ll let you be the judge on this one.  Hubby likes to eat everything FLAT.  

 

(Huh??  I can imagine what you’re thinking… you’re like, she just typed flat… maybe she meant to type first or maybe she meant fat… as in, he doesn’t eat anything healthy… or hmmm.. What the hell is she talking about, cause what she wrote doesn’t really make any sense).

 

So, let me explain.  And just for the purposes of internet communication.. that was not a mistype.  Hubby does indeed like to eat everything FLAT.  As in:

 

flat

Pronunciation: \ˈflat\

Function: adjective

Inflected Form(s): flat·ter; flat·test

..a condition that is very smooth or level.. 

 

If hubby is consuming an item that is either scoopable or spreadable, he must consume it in a fashion that continually maintains a smooth surface. This is both during the consumption process and upon completion of consumption.

 

So let’s take for instance, a tub of spreadable WisPride wine cheese… (this is something we frequently have in our house).  As he spreads the designated amount on each cracker, he expertly uses his knife to remove the precise amount of cheese while constantly maintaining a flat surface in the container.  He’s become quite adept at artfully extracting cheese while preserving the pristine surface of the cheese.  (I will admit, I’m amazed at his ability to wield his knife with such skill and,  I am absurdly fascinated by this OCD).

 

The same process goes for a tub of butter, any sort of canned or jarred dip or even ice cream.  And, he has admitted to me, his frustration at the ever-so-elusive peanut butter container, which he has yet to master.

 

Just last night as we were both helping ourselves to ice cream,  I handed hubby a bowl & a teaspoon for his ice cream.  He promptly told me “I need a different spoon to scoop the ice cream… this one’s too small to scoop it flat”.    To which I replied… “I just don’t understand your compulsion for flat foods”.  And he replies.. “neither do I, but can you grab me a much bigger spoon?”

 

I will admit that I take some sick enjoyment in “ruining” the foods that he’s artfully flattened.  Because every time I dig into the spreadable cheese or the ice cream, I go at it with complete rigor & disregard.  I poke, I carve, I gauge, I eat only one side…. and without fail, when it goes back into the fridge, it looks like someone has attacked his perfectly sculpted food with reckless abandon (which he calls “ruining” his food).   Then, of course, the cycle must be repeated as hubby now feels the need to eat more of the item to once again smooth out the surface.  He’s even admitted to “eating more than he really wanted” just to ensure that the food item is put away in all it’s flattened glory!

 

So yes, my hubby is a bit quirky (not unlike my musical inclinations).  And, I’d classify this peculiar OCD behavior into the cute & endearing category (unlike my quirk.. which probably leans much closer to irritating).   And, oh yeah… his behavior also happens to provide me with my own source of entertainment on occasion… since it’s so damn easy to mess with him!! 🙂

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