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I mentioned not long ago, that hubby thinks an entire brigade of fairies lives in our house. These fairies buy toothpaste, change toilet paper and do laundry.  But at Christmastime, the fairy brigade brings in reinforcements in the form of an entirely new army…. The Nutcracker Brigade. 

 

Ok, I admit it….. I am an over-decorator.  Christmas can be found EVERYWHERE in our home. In the kitchen, on many windows, in the family room, the living room, the dining room, the bathrooms.  And, it might be important to note, that I do the decorating.  And realistically this probably doesn’t surprise you.  We know hubby doesn’t have an eye for decorating and he surely doesn’t have the oomph to motivate himself to clear off surfaces of day-to-day decorations.  It’s also highly unlikely that he’d take the initiative to sort through something like 10 bins of Christmas crap.  So, his role winds up being; lugging all the bins down from the attic, hanging all the high Christmas lights outside and readying the army for their holiday battle.

 

So, after I’ve put away tchotchkes, candles & family photos to make room for the Christmas explosion, I then sort through my 9 (ish) bins of Christmas joy.  But, there’s always one lonely bin that sits untouched in the dining room, anxiously awaiting hubby’s attention. 

 

It would be unheard of for me to display hubby’s prized nutcracker collection.  You see, it’s been a tradition in hubby’s family for his mom to buy him a new nutcracker every-single-Christmas.  And, given that hubby is now 35… that’s a damn lot of nutcrackers.  We’ve actually been challenged over the years, to find a suitable surface that can accommodate this ever-growing army.

 

The Entire Christmas Army

 

Hubby does indeed love his collection.  And, I know better than to try to position the army on the table (which they’re close to outgrowing) because I obviously have no idea what formation the army will be taking this year…. That’s all part of the magic…….

 

So, while hubby can sit around and watch me decorate the rest of the house for hours, he bides his time for the correct, exact, moment to deploy his soldiers.  And then, he meticulously removes them from their bin, one-by-one, and situates each one into the proper formation for the year. 

 

Sometimes they are all lined up like soldiers marching forward in the Civil War.

Frontline Soldiers Leading The Attack

 Sometimes they stand together in small groups like a football team taking the proper starting positions on the field.

Special Formation Groupings

 

Then, there’s a General (hubby’s favorite soldier) who clearly leads the charge and is purposefully positioned in the center of his brigade.  All other soldiers are fastidiously placed in their corresponding roles.  And, as hubby says, he never puts the soldiers he likes in the flanking positions (these spots are obviously for the expendable soldiers).  Yes, he truly has given this thought.

The General

The formation is indeed different each year. I guess it depends on who fought well in the previous year’s battle.  And, should a new soldier enlist who hubby particularly fancies, you just never know what might happen to the current General.  It’s quite possible he’d be demoted the following year.  I think the current General has had his post for about 8-9 years now but you never know when some young blood might come into the mix and earn himself a gold star.  Yes, this may sound crazy to you… but I suppose it’s hubby’s way of irritating me,  acting like a child, walking down memory lane.  And, I do also suppose that if it puts a holiday smile on his face it’s a small price to pay..

 

Now, if only these soldiers would indeed perform some tasks around the house (similar to their sister brigade of fairies) maybe, just maybe, I’d have a holiday smile on my face too…..

 

A gal can dream…. Can’t she???

 

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Well… some day I’m going to figure out how to properly juggle life, work, laundry, food shopping, cleaning and all those other life necessities in addition to blogging.  It seems that on any given week one of these items is suffering.  It’s usually food shopping – as evidenced by all the take out containers currently in my fridge – but this week, it was also blogging.

 

This week has been a whirlwind.

 

This was one of those weeks where the world crumbles around you and all you can do is stand in the middle of the tornado and hope that when the house finally settles, you’ll see cute little munchkins and a colorful new path to follow.

 

And just for the record, I’m still waiting for the witch to stop bicycling past our window (and no, that’s not a Halloween reference although, I do have some Halloween stories that I’ll have to share at a later time).  Today’s post will give you a glimpse into the mess that has recently become known as our lives.

 

If you’ve been a long time reader, you know that hubby is an Awfulizer.  And normally, I am The Voice of Reason, The Talker off the Cliff, The Keeper of the Feet on the Ground, for hubby.  But this week has been one of my most challenging weeks ever.

 

Let me start the story with a little groundwork.

 

 

And oh yeah…. I am an EVIL WOMAN

 

Now that the scene has been set, let’s reflect back to last weekend.

 

Due to an array of details that I can’t blog about, hubby is having an incredibly tough time at work.  This started about a month ago and he is apparently on one of those paths, where things do indeed get worse before they get better.  As a result, Hubby is cranky all the time and is having trouble seeing the forest through the trees.   So, when the weekend arrives, hubby wants to do things that make him happy and give him a brief respite from the stresses of his work week.  BUT… life somehow continually gets in way of this.  It started last weekend when we began to wrestle with the challenge of balancing his need for downtime with the need to do some necessary outdoor house projects that MUST get done before it gets too cold.  As you can imagine, since any household project is obviously for ME not for him (this is the beauty of the Division of Labor at our house!), I am an evil force working against him to ensure that he’s miserable & overworked at home, just like at his job.

 

As I’m sure you know, from reading the blog, I spend almost all of my downtime crafting ways to ruin hubby’s life.  I take incredible joy in watching him toil away doing useless and unnecessary chores around our house (you know things like tossing empty soda cans into the trash, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket and the life-destroying – wiping up toothpaste from the sink).  Yes, I’m THAT evil.

 

So, hubby lost his entire weekend to chores and apparently I’m the reason that he didn’t get to de-stress before he headed back to the mine field that is work.  So, when this weekend rolled around, hubby was feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders and was bearing the burden of 2 weeks of crankiness since he didn’t get any down time last weekend.  And, what better way to de-stress than for me to force him to go into NYC with another couple, to take a cooking class.  Ok, well, I’m sure hubby could name oh, about a cajillion things that would be better.

 

Things like:

  • Poking his eyes out with a pencil
  • Tearing his nose hairs out with tweezers
  • Or quite possibly…. getting a root canal

 

Which in more literal terms, means he’s extra miserable that I’m making him do something so stupid!  And, just to set the record straight, this evening had been discussed, planned & paid for weeks earlier (well before his life started to suck…)  So here we are, headed to NY for an evening of cooking, wine and friends….. it’s obviously bound to be a miserable night!

 

And, sorry to do this to you but……please stay tuned for part 2.  Where you get to see just how dark the cloud is that’s living above our heads

 

And, I know it doesn’t seem all that miserable yet.. but ask yourself what might happen if you combine a $55 glass of scotch, a grocery store, a dead cell phone and a cop (but not necessarily in that order)!

 

To read Part 2 of this story please click here:  Yes, Things Can Get Worse! 

 

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I could probably write 10 posts alone on hubby & laundry (and who knows.. maybe I will!)

It’s a topic that, at least in my house, has so many different aspects to it:

  • The wash cycles for: whites, lights, darks, gentles
  • Sorting clothes
  • Folding clothes
  • Dryer vs non dryer
  • Putting clothes away

(I could go on and on…)

Today, I’d like to talk about items that miraculously get laundered but, somehow don’t seem to fit into the category of laundry. Or at least not in hubby’s vocabulary.

In case you are confused (and why wouldn’t you be?), I am referring to linens. And, for the purposes of today.. I’ll even fine tune this more for you. Today, I’d like to specifically talk about towels. Towels that are seemingly laundered by magical fairies at my house!

Hubby admittedly doesn’t really do laundry. It’s sort of one of “my tasks” on our divvy list of household chores. It’s probably better this way, since I actually understand all the subcategories of laundry that I noted above and well, let’s just say, hubby may not even know where our laundry room is. And, since we know “clean is not always clean”, we also must deduce that he perhaps doesn’t understand the definition of dirty??

Anyhow, back to towels.

I think that hubby would use a towel, left on the rack in the bathroom, until it disintegrated into nothing. I have never, ever, as long as I’ve known him, seen him decide on a given day, that a towel is “dirty” and should be laundered. I often even wonder if he realizes that occasionally he’s using fresh, clean towels? This is another unique male trait – the ability to just simply not see the towels as they walk themselves to the laundry room (even though they have to pass through the Man Cave!)

I remember a true story from my college days that perhaps gave me the first glimpse of male mentality when cleaning up towels….

 

pumpkin

The guys who lived across the hall from me had a smashed pumpkin in their shared bathroom.. the details of WHY are probably unimportant. Suffice to say, they were college guys, and pumpkin smashing apparently provides great comedy? Well, no one cleaned up the remnants of this mushy pumpkin. These guys probably never cleaned up this bathroom at all (remember this was college). What they did do was, toss dirty towels on the floor. Fast forward a few weeks.. I hear excitement from across the hall. And, when I take a look, I see that they are gathered around a discarded wash cloth that had found a home in the corner of the bathroom. This washcloth, which was still damp, had sprouted a new fledgling pumpkin from the seeds that were all over the floor. And, I got to see it first hand: Male EXCITEMENT and PRIDE. They were celebrating the magic of using dirty towels to create something special!

Obviously, there’s no way I’d allow a science experiment in my bathroom, but I have to wonder if his Selective Vision applies to towels also? It seems to be the only explanation I can come up with. We know that hubby only sees what he wants to see… but, in the case of dirty towels, does this also mean he has Selective Smell? Whatever the case, I am forever baffled about why his clothes make it to the hamper (usually) but the towels never do. Unless, perhaps, I’m the one who created a monster, by continually making sure they are laundered? If this is the case, I guess I have to live with it. I cannot just leave hubby’s towels there forever…. because in MY bathroom….. clean actually needs to be clean!

Maybe this is yet another male mystery that will continue to remain unsolved. “The Dirty Towel Mystery”.

Do you have an explanation? If so, I’d love to hear it!

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True Story…. My coffee machine at home doesn’t work today!  (before you proceed… if you didn’t read my post yesterday – please do so now  “A Sprinkle of Estrogen”)

 

Either the universe is trying to tell me something…

 

Like maybe I drink too much coffee or…

Maybe I should cut back on caffeine or…

Maybe men & estrogen jokes aren’t funny or…

Maybe I shouldn’t threaten messing with hubby’s masculinity

 

OR

 

Maybe Hubby has sabotaged my Mr. Coffee??

 

Since I’m unemployed, hubby gets up before me. 

Sometimes he leaves me presents (if you need a refresher see HERE). 

Sometime he leaves me notes (call the lawn guy). 

Sometimes he breaks my coffee machine to protect himself.

 

 

Ok, I really have no idea if hubby messed with my coffee machine.. In all likelihood he didn’t even touch it (he doesn’t even drink coffee at home before work). But it is quite curious that it completely doesn’t work today.

 

I wake up, grab the carafe, fill it with water, grab a filter, fill it with coffee… turn it on ….. AND>>>>>> NOTHING! 

 

The little light is on but it’s not making any noise.  It’s as if it’s mocking me.  Laughing that I thought  it would be an accomplice to spiking hubby’s coffee. Taunting me with that little orange glow.  It sits there, stubbornly glaring at me.  I unplug it and plug it back in.  The same mocking light.. shining brightly on me…. Interrogating me – “Did you really think that you’d get away with this?”  I can hear it say to me.  “Aw come on, just make my coffee” I say.  SILENCE!

 

Anyhow, I was too lazy to go out and buy myself a cup of coffee today… so, I’m officially caffeine free.. and it’s 2:00 now.  Yes, I’m cranky. Yes, I want some coffee.  No, I’m still not really awake. 

 

And….. even if Mr. Coffee doesn’t want to play this game with me, Mr Fat Free Milk just might have to step up, after all, I’m trying to conduct a legitimate experiment here! 

 

To Be Continued…………..

 

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I read an interesting article today that attempts to review the “Why” behind a couple of gender based quirks.  It was an interesting read which can be found here: Why Does My Partner.  But, as always, I like to put my own spin on things.  So below, I’ll highlight a few of the male traits they addressed and I’ll relate them to hubby & me.

 

Why he prefers to spend five minutes precariously balancing a banana skin on top of the trash rather than empty it.

 

The Article Suggests:  “Real men test their masculine abilities on an overflowing trash bag.  It’s a challenge to get a thrill out of – a half-empty bag is boring.”

In My House:  If the banana peel actually makes it to the trash can, I’d celebrate!  The true test of his masculine abilities is to see how long he can tune me out as I ask him why certain items don’t make it to the trash at all.

 

Why he can’t find the keys when they’re in front of him. 

 

The Article Suggests: “Researchers aren’t certain as to whether this difference is down to hard-wiring of the brain or learned.  But, women tend to perform better when tested on location memory”

In My House: The reason he can’t find the keys when they’re in front of him, is because I’ve moved them from where he put them to where they are SUPPOSED to be.  And, he’d never in a million years be able to find them hanging on the key holder.

 

Why the way a gift is presented is nearly as important to her as what’s inside it.

Lord help the man who wraps his wife’s expensive gift in brown parcel paper 

 

The Article Suggests: “Because it’s not just about the present; it’s about the communication. And, .. women often try to read a guy’s emotions from his actions”

At My House: A true gift wouldn’t actually need to be wrapped at all.  It could come in the form of a clean bathroom, some folded laundry and a cooked dinner!

 

Why he can recall an obscure ’70s band but can’t remember your anniversary.

 

The Article Suggests: “Emotional memories such as anniversary dates are triggered by estrogen, whereas the ability to recall facts utilizes testosterone,”

At My House: I’ll be testing this theory tomorrow with a sprinkle of estrogen in his coffee… I’ll have to keep you posted!

 

Well, there you have it.  You just got a glimpse into our household… pretty scary huh?!! 

And, even after all that….I’ll admit, I still don’t really understand the “Why”.

Do you?

 

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Last night hubby told me he was “multi-tasking”.  He was, and I quote…..”eating dinner & watching tv at the same time”.

 

We all know that women are far better at juggling many different tasks at once.  We’ll even at times, stop in the middle of one task, to quickly complete another as we’re walking by.

 

A very basic example…

 

If I’m brushing my teeth and notice that there’s a speck of something on the mirror, I’ll grab a towel and clean it off (all the while still brushing)

Hubby on the other hand (in this same scenario).. has actually PUT the speck of stuff on the mirror, while he was brushing his teeth.  But, “cleaning day” is Saturday so the speck will have to wait.

 

Men can really only focus on a singular task at hand.  And, even with their focus on one, and only one task…if at any time they feel “overloaded”, watch out for a full system shut down.  Perhaps this is another factor in male sleep mode.  It’s obvious they’ve been asked to do too many things at once and their system just can’t handle it.

 

So, in the true spirit of male/female comparisons,  I’ve come up with my own version, of what I believe to be an accurate description of the sexes.

(and you’ll notice that I use an ELECTRONICS example to compare ….this way it will be easier for men to pay attention & understand)

 

Women Are Like  Food Processors
food processor

  • They can slice, dice, chop, puree
  • They often come with attachments that can do a whole assortment of other things
  • They have a variety of settings & speeds
  • The output could be a whole assortment of foods & tasty treats
  • If you get too close to it while it’s working, you could lose a finger

 

Men Are Like Toasters
toaster

  • You can only put things in and out in one specific way
  • It really only runs on 2 settings… on & off  (or,  hot & cold)
  • If you leave anything in there too long it comes out charred & burned
  • Even if you find one with bells & whistles, the only output is really still…. just toast
  • If something gets stuck and you try to pry it loose, you could be electrocuted

 

 

This is not to say, that a toaster does not provide a valuable service in my home.  There’s actually nothing better in the early morning than a freshly toasted bagel!  But,  if I’m cooking a dinner…. you better believe that I’d take the mulit-tasking ability of my food processor over the toasting ability of my toaster! 

And, I’d probably do it while juggling 4 or 5 other activities… all while hubby “eats & watches tv”!

 

Feel free to share your thoughts!

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