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Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Hello!  I’ve missed you all.  It’s been an insane holiday season filled with family time, illnesses and WAY too much work.   Perhaps you’ve enjoyed the respite from my nutso stories or maybe, just maybe, you’ve been missing me ….. a little bit??

 

Either way, I stole some time from a long list of other things I should be doing to write a post today.

 

I’ve written many times about how difficult it seems to be for men to find things in their own home.  And I’m not talking about the silver pie server that makes an appearance at one dinner every 5-6 years.   Or the cookie cutters that only come out at Christmas time – you know, the ones that hubby probably doesn’t even know we own… even though he partakes in consuming probably 85+% of the cookies, lovingly cut with these and painstakingly decorated each holiday?   I’ve shared stories about him not being able to find things in the pantry that are RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE.  I’ve blogged about the mysteriously missing cable modem.  And, I’ve also begrudgingly showed you a picture of a closet where misplaced & “lost” items go to die.

 

I’m always baffled about how most men (more than I can count in my own life) have ZERO idea where many things go.  This is showcased by the miraculous day they empty the dishwasher.  When the stars align, Mercury is in retrograde and they have a moment of complete love, helpfulness, craziness and decide to partake in a household chore (GASP!).  And then, stay with me ladies  – you all know this moment – they stand proudly next to a pile of items they’ve removed from the dishwasher and placed on the counter only to declare that they’ve gone as far as they can with this task because “they have no idea where the rest of the items go….”.  All the while, simultaneously waiting for a pat on the back for all the help they’ve just provided you!!  ****SIGH*****

 

But what’s even more perplexing to me is how they sometimes seem to lack knowledge of many of their own things.  I mean heck, it’s one thing to not know about kitchen items (apparently MY domain – even though I don’t have recollection of accepting this domain as mine).  But, when they forget that they own something, forget where they put their favorite shirt, or belt, or tool… it just doesn’t compute for me!

 

So, take this example and help me to understand.

 

Over the holidays we decided to have some family pictures taken as a surprise gift for my parents.  Mostly grandchildren pictures but we did a few full family shots.  And, like any dorky family picture, we decided to get all matchy-match.  You can groan if you want – Hubby sure did!   Anyhow, part of the plan for our outfits was for everyone to wear brown shoes.

 

So, hubby gets his “brown” shoes and puts them on.  He’s ready to go.

 

I look at his feet and I’m like… “Uhm hon?  Those shoes aren’t brown.”  To which he replies… “sure they are!”.

 

What’s with men and colors?  The shoes he has on are just simply not brown.  Maybe greenish, or some weird dark grey with a bizarre tint to them.    Even now, I’m not 100% sure I can define the color of the shoes he had on.  BUT, they were not brown.

 

So I say to him… “just go grab shoes that are actually brown”.   He gives me that look…. you know the look, the one that says “you’re crazy lady – I don’t know what you’re talking about” look.   Then he speaks, “These are the closest I have to brown… these will have to do”.  So I say, “No, you have actual brown shoes”.  “No I don’t”,  “Yes you do”, “I don’t think so”…. (you can see where this is going).  So, I go upstairs into his closet.  I move around piles of crap, things that have been missing for years (if you don’t remember how he keeps his closet – or drawers – check HERE & HERE) and lo and behold I find brown shoes… and then another pair of brown shoes.  I bring both pairs downstairs.   He looks at them…. “Hummmpf” he says, “I guess I do have brown shoes”……………………………

 

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There are a few life events that can very easily overwhelm you emotionally, in ways you’d never imagined.

 

If you think I’m about to talk about having babies or celebrating first steps….. you are WAY wrong.  There are far more significant, emotional moments in every-day-life.

toiletseatUP

Take for instance, the first time after your blissful new marriage to the love of your life, that you stumble into the bathroom in the middle of the night only to plop your little tushy right down into a wet, open toilet.  Yep, those are emotions that you never thought you could have…. Certainly not half asleep as you dry off your ass and consider (if only for a moment) about scooping up a cup of toilet water and throwing it on your adorable, slumbering, new hubby.  But, you stop yourself realizing that if you did toss a cup of toilet water on him… it would be all over the bed where you are also sleeping and that your hubby likely has no concept of how to launder the sheets… Thus, you’d be doing nothing but compromising your own sleep environment and creating more laundry to do the next day.

 

Or, how about the moment when that very same toilet seat is down, but loose, and you go to sit only to realize you’re sitting with too much force (or you shouldn’t have eaten that extra bowl of ice cream last night) and you slide sideways across the toilet and you’re no longer properly aligned, but you’ve had a baby (and obviously not done enough kegels!), and you’ve held it as long as you possibly could but now you’re peeing sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it.  Now you’re pissed, as you’re pissing and you’re probably wondering how a toilet seat (that never gets put down enough) could be that loose……

 

Or, maybe you’ve cleaned yourself up, inspected the screws and realized that although you almost fell into the bowl, all you need is a screw driver to tighten the seat and all will be ok with the world again.   So you head downstairs to the place where you keep the screw drivers.  Only to realize that the “screw driver spot” is missing said screw driver.  Now, as you screw up your face and try to contain yourself, as you mutter bad words under your breath, you look around and wonder where on earth the screw drive might be.  You think back to the last time you used it.   You know you put it back.  Then you remember the last time you nagged hubby into using it.   You acknowledge, that he has an inability to ever put anything back…. It’s probably one of the biggest reasons he can never find anything.   You feel those emotions start to bubble up…. You think about the last project he did.  You think about how many times you had to ask him to do it.  You think about your wet tushy in the middle of the night.  The loose toilet seat.  The missing screw driver.  You’re overwhelmed with emotion.  You fantasize about finding the screw driver and stabbing your hubby with it as you push his head into the toilet.  (Oh wait… did I take that too far……………..) 

 

You take a deep breath and remember that hubby last used the screw driver upstairs.  You go upstairs and open the closet.  You know the closet…. the one filled with clothes and suits and purses and  hats… and oh yeah, a variety of lost tools.  You find the screw driver.  And, oh by the way… the drill, a hammer, a ball point pen and a level.   You shake your head.   You mumble more curse words.   You look around and realize you’re by yourself mumbling out loud.  You pick up the screw driver.. go to the bathroom… fix the toilet.

 

Then, you stand there for a moment.  You wonder what to do next.  Your emotional side says.. put the screw driver into the bed on hubby’s pillow.  Your rational side says… put the screw driver back in the ‘screw driver spot’ downstairs.  You’re frozen for a moment as your emotional inner self debates what to do next.  Then, you realize you have the answer.  You go back to the closet.  Replace the screw driver.  And then you go to the man cave… grab the tv remote, the game console controller and hubby’s favorite beer glass.  As you make your way back upstairs you walk past his sunglasses in the kitchen.. and just for good measure you grab those too.

 

You head back upstairs, in the most determined, steadfast way you know how.  You open the closet and you place each item neatly next to the hammer, screw driver and the drill.  You smile.  Applesaucy Hubby….. Apple….. Saucy.

 

(and if that last comment means nothing to you please read an incredibly funny blog post HERE by The Honest Toddler that will explain it to you!)

 

 ** Disclaimer – Some (or all) of this post may (or may not) be true in the THD household! **

 

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So, when I sat down yesterday to write this post…. It somehow got derailed as I started to think more about mini hubby than I did about hubby and I wound up with a heartfelt post about being a Mom (if you missed it you can jump directly to it HERE).   If you’ve been reading this blog for longer than like, a minute, you probably know that I’m anything but heartfelt (unless my heart is feeling annoyed and frustrated at hubby) and that warm & fuzzies have no place in my blog!

 

I can only assume that the hormones that take over your body when you have a baby linger for quite some time.   I’m definitely softer and nicer than I used to be…. But since I have to use this softness, niceness and patience for my mini hubby, it leaves far less softness and pretty much ZERO patience for my hubby.   Ahhhhh… that felt better.  All is right with the world.  As you likely know, after 10 years of marriage – there’s simply no place for softness (unless, it’s coming from being buried under a pile of laundry) and there’s absolutely no place whatsoever for patience.  I used to believe hubby when he said he’d “get to something”.  I used to patiently wait for him to discover the trash can… or the sponge .. or the laundry room.  I used to gently nudge as I emptied my patience tank, while I waited for him to move heavy objects from my kitchen.  But now, I realize that patience has no place in our house.   If it doesn’t happen now… it probably won’t happen.

 

So…. That has nothing to do with my post today.  But, it sure made me feel better to get it off my chest…. HA!

 

Anyhoo…. Here’s my REAL Mother’s Day post.

 

It’s only my 2nd Mother’s Day as a mom.  So, it’s likely hubby still needs a bit of practice.  Either that, or he truly lives in la la land… I’m not sure which….. yet…………..

 

Here’s my story…  it’s short, so stay with me.

 

We get a daily email from mini-hubby’s day care at the end of each day.  It includes the normal stuff.. what he ate, how many diaper changes etc. etc.  And, there’s a space for “reminders” so they can tell you to bring more wipes or that picture day is next week, and so on.

 

Earlier this week this section of the email said “Reminder Fri May 9th is Muffins with Mom.  Join your child for a snack at 3:30pm!”

Hubby was next to me when he read this out loud and he immediately turned to me and said “Wait… What the….. How come it just says moms?  What about Dads?”

 

And, I stood there, for a moment…. Practicing my patience or maybe I was just waiting for the punchline…..

 

But, he was serious….. and clueless.   Apparently, incredibly clueless.  He just looked at me.

 

So I slowly replied…. “Uhm, do you know what this weekend is?” pause…..  waiting for it to sink in  “it’s Mother’s Day”.

 

“Ohhhh…” he said.

 

So the next day I’m with a co-worker.  A male co-worker (if I may point this out).  And he asks me “So, you have any big plans for Sunday?”.  And I reply…. “It’s unlikely, my hubby didn’t even realize why day care was hosting an afternoon with only moms!”

 

Sigh….. 

 

This is the life I have chosen.   It’s a damn good thing hubby is cute when he’s clueless.

 

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For those of you who have ever squeezed a little alien-like, spooge covered, wailing, little munchkin out of your hoo-hah, then you may be excited for this weekend.

 

It’s likely that most of you don’t have to ask why.. but just in case, for the uninformed.. or for those of you who don’t recall the day when you, yourself, made a screaming entry into this world.  It’s Mother’s Day.

 

And, if you aren’t a mother yourself, you surely have a mother because….. much like opinions…. everyone seems to have one!

 

So, why the excitement?  Well, for most of the world (at least the part of the world that celebrate’s Mother’s) it’s a day  – one day – where everyone must stop and thank Mom for being Mom.  That’s not to say she’s any better than Dad, or that all moms deserve celebrating.  But, it forces you to take a moment to think about the women in your life who ruined their bodies (ok, maybe not those celebs – who all seem to be in post-baby perfect shape), who gave up ever having a full night’s sleep, who learned way-too-quickly that they would never again be able to cook with both hands and whose bodies & clothes became instant tissues, vomit catchers, and warmth providers.

 

Those women who, in most cases, will forever worry if you’re getting enough to eat, enough sleep, enough love and enough challenge.  They will lose sleep thinking about your future, your education and the impact of the ever-changing world around you.  They will read articles about the correct amount of tv, technology, vegetables, play time, study time and nap time.  They will judge the world with new eyes…. They will celebrate your first step, first word and first day of school and then every day afterwards, they will worry that you’re going to fall, that your words will be used against you and that your days away from them will be surrounded by others who may not always have your best interests at heart.

 

They will cry when you cry (unless of course that crying was brought on by a demand to not touch the hot stove).  They will forever laugh when you laugh and they will smile both inside and out when you smile.  Your joys will be their joys and your sorrows will consume their hearts as they try to balance swooping in to fix everything and allowing you to learn to manage through life on your own.  They will say “No” ….. A LOT…..  but probably not nearly as much as you did as a toddler just learning to use your voice to express your independence.

 

They will shuttle you around and protect you until you show that you can be trusted to do things on your own.  And even after you’ve gained that trust.. they will worry.  That’s what they do.  They will worry you will crash the car, make bad decisions, bend to peer pressure.  They will worry that all the knowledge they’ve bestowed upon you will not be enough, that they could have done more, said more, loved more.

 

They will work to make your life easy, but not too easy.    They will fill both your belly and your mind, as you fill their hearts.  They will encourage you.  Love you.  And eternally support you.   And…… they will make mistakes.  But they will pray that every mistake they make will somehow make you a better person.. and them a better Mother.  Life is a journey they take with you… there will be bumps in the road, tears, harsh words and anger… but hopefully these will be far outweighed by giggles, cuddles, laughter & happiness.

 

For this is the life we have chosen… as a Mother.  And, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

So for these reasons….. we celebrate Mother’s Day.  Not because Mom needs a day dedicated to her.. but because a day dedicated to acknowledge the journey you have taken together is worthy of celebration!

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Aviary mindtransfer-net Picture 1A great way to discover new blogs and to gain traffic to your blog, is to share backlinks with your readers.  A backlink is defined as a link from one website pointing back to your site , and what every blog needs is one-way non-reciprocal backlinks.   

The Hubby Diaries was fortunate to be selected by Timethief  at this time ~ this space  for the One Lovely Blog Award.  And today, I’m passing on the love.

Here are the rules of the “One Lovely Blog Award”:

  1. Accept the award.
  2. Post it (the image) on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
  3. Pass the award to other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I’d like to share this award with other bloggers I enjoy & friends of The Hubby Diaries.  Please take some to time to visit each other’s blogs and to keep this blog meme going.

 

IttyBittyCrazy:  The diary of a sane woman in an insane world… Oh, and her dogs.

 

The MidLife Gals:  Think Lucy and Ethel after those deadbeats, Fred and Ricky, Laverne and Shirley all grown up and haired over or The Smothers Brothers with bosoms.  We’re here to tell you that it’s okay to love/hate your elders, your teenage children, one of your siblings or the grocery store cashier.  Stop screaming into your pillows in the pantry…come OUT and join us in dialog about our profane, insane, comedic outlook on just about everything.

 

Crabby Old Fart:  A highly entertaining blog written by someone filled with endless “life wisdom”.  He shares his perspective on, ” The problem with young people today…..  ”

 

Mommy Wants Vodka: A woman who writes from her “Casa De La Sausage” about life with her husband and 3 children.  It’s lighthearted entertainment at it’s best!

 

The Bloggess:  Like Mother Theresa.  Only Better.  If you haven’t already stumbled on this blog, I suggest you check it out.  This particular post had me laughing non-stop! I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced “Wesley-Ann”

 

Snooty Primadona: A sparkling outlook on life…. or not! 

 

What’s a Blog: One woman’s thoughts, observations & judgments 

 

Thanks to all of you for providing me with hours of reading entertainment!

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Hubby is not inherently lazy.  He’s not stupid.  He’s not incapable.  He’s not even intentionally absentminded (or at least I don’t think he is).   But he is, on many occasions, unable to complete full tasks.  And, since we are both intelligent, hardworking adults, I have to admit… this baffles the ever-living-crap out of me. 

Let me try to explain…..

  • He carries his empty soda can into the kitchen and places it on the counter ABOVE the trash can
  • He steps over his dirty clothes 50 times instead of bending down once to throw them in the laundry basket
  • He takes the sponge to clean the kitchen counters after dinner but he doesn’t wipe down the table where we ate.
  • He replaces the empty toothpaste but he doesn’t throw the old tube away.

It’s like he’s waiting for little fairies to appear overnight to magically complete everything he’s started OR.. perhaps….

He’s exercising that Man Rule I mentioned in an earlier post:   The one that outlines how marriage offers a shared life that requires a man to do only ½ the work.

The irony here is that chores are not shared 50/50.  They are literally split in half.  As in, I’ll do half of the chore and I’ll leave the rest for you to finish.

Sometimes it seems that he’s literally just run out of gas in the middle of doing something.  Or perhaps his mind has just drifted to football games or Guitar Hero or maybe it’s just shut off completely like a computer that all of a sudden goes into sleep mode.  The mind of a woman is always going, but a man can somehow just shut his off.  I’ve never understood it but it’s true.  Have you ever asked a man, “what are you thinking about” and he responds “nothing”…. Don’t badger him for a better answer… it’s likely true…he’s not thinking at all.  Men have the unique ability to actually shut off their mental faculties and go into a battery conservation, sleep mode, while they are awake.

So, knowing that I cannot get him out of sleep mode without “pressing any button”, I have no choice but to “wake him up” by pushing his buttons… and we all know where that usually winds up (which is a different topic altogether).  So for now, I’ll get back to his attempts at these chores..

 

Is he putting forth effort?   Yes.

Should he be applauded for helping?  Yes.

Should I want to kick him, every time I have to finish his chores?  Yes. (oh wait…. I meant No!)

Should I reward him with a treat every time he completes a task…  hmmmmm, I might be onto something here!?

 

More often than not,  it just falls under the category of…”if you want something done right, just do it yourself”.  And, who knows maybe that’s really what he was striving for all along!!!

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This is the age old question that haunts all single men. 

It’s one of the first things a guy hears from his buddies when he announces his crazy, love clouded, intentions of proposal.  (Even those that are happily married will jump on the back slapping, band wagon to enumerate all the ways life has changed since they exchanged vows).  

Ironically enough, these lists mostly include all the ways they’ve had to “grow up”.  But, to each of them it was the day they closed the books on their childhood dreams of becoming:

  • A World Champion Grand Theft Auto player
  • The Supreme King of the all-night, chili cheese dog eating contests
  • The Record Holder of the most viewings of the Lord of The Rings Trilogy
  • #1 Bachelor Extraordinaire with the best water bed, silk sheets and pizza box collection.

While these are admirable goals for a young man, they somehow may not be a priority as you start to build a life with your new wife. 

So, do things change?  Well, I guess the true answer is.. yes they do. 

And, although not every marriage is the same, there will be things that require compromise, discussion and modification.  After all, you are now sharing your life with someone else. 

And therein lies challenge #1. 

It’s not just all about you anymore.

 

Here’s my theory (and, I’m sure we’ll dive deeper into this in other posts… But I’m putting it out there for you to mull over).

When a Woman Gets Married She’s Thinking: “I’m so excited to share my life with someone… now that there are 2 of us, we’ll be able to get twice as much done!” 

When a Man Gets Married He’s Thinking:  “Cool, now that there’s someone else sharing the work, I’ll only have to do half as much!”

 

And, perhaps that’s where the disconnect begins…………

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